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Except Alia.
The thought hits like a rock, but I don’t resist it. I can’t. She’s never wanted power. Even if she could become queen, she’d never lord her rank over anyone. She’d remember what it’s like to be the invisible servant. She’d continue to be compassionate.
If I were nothing, no one, Alia would’ve still wanted to be with me. She is nothing, no one in this kingdom. Yet she was all I wanted.
My throat tightens. I loved her before I ever desired her.
I have no other answers. No truth to cling to. Regardless of how my body betrays me, it isn’t desire and attraction driving me. For better or worse, it’s far more than that. It always has been.
I’m not sure what to make of that realization.
But like the night before, before the third stroke of midnight, I’m gone.
ChapterFifteen
KIRRAN
Alia waits for me, her golden hair glowing in the lamplight. A soft breeze pulls at her threadbare dress and sends blonde strands fluttering across her face. She lifts a hand to brush them away. In the same moment, she stills.
“I hoped this was the fountain you meant.”
“Yeah. It was.” Amber splotches sparkle across the otherwise dark ripples as I stop beside her.
Never mind that it’s always been one of our meeting spots, largely due to its isolation.
Never mind how many times I’ve kissed her beside this fountain.
I clear my throat, yanking my gaze away from her. If I start thinking about that, I won’t have the mental fortitude to push through the lies we need to untangle.
“Hi, by the way.” Her dress rustles as she shifts away from me. Or maybe it’s to face me more. I’m not ready to look. “How was the masquerade?”
“Irritating.” I tip my face toward the stars, eyes closed against the cool breeze. “How was your investigating today? Learn anything helpful?”
She stays silent long enough that I have to look at her.
As soon as our eyes meet, she winces and gives a sheepish shrug. “Um, so, none of the servants told me anything about the ball. They said they were sworn to silence.” Her expression wanders somewhere between frustrated and sad. “By you.”
It takes a beat for the words to sink in. For me to remember what I’d done. For it to connect to the nagging instinct from earlier in the day.
I drag my palm over my face. Curses spill between my lips.
I tip my chin down and focus on the stones beneath my boots. Though she watches me, she’s not standing within even an arm’s length. Fair enough. “I’m sorry. I forgot I…did that.”
“What exactly did you forbid them to speak of? And why?”
Shame branches through me to match the stains I bear. “The ball itself, and you not showing up to it. I didn’t know who may have known among the servants. Or who overheard gossip among the nobles who expected you. As for why…” I lower my gaze. “I never wanted to hear your name again.”
“So you gathered all the servants and ordered silence, on the chance that someone might say something about me.” She exhales a strained chuckle. “That’s…a bit excessive.”
I close my eyes as if that will quell the stinging inside me. “It was.” The sound of crickets fills the quiet. When I look over at her, she meets my stare. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have sent you on some fool’s errand if I’d remembered that.”
A faint smile quirks her lips. “Thank you. I figured it out rather quickly.” Her voice turns contemplative. “I spoke with my stepmother, though.”
My shoulders tense with that ridiculous protective instinct as my gaze snaps up. Alia just stares deeper into the garden.
“I thought maybe we’d get some answers from her since she was there. But if anything, she…confirmed my version of events.” She tilts her head away with a sigh. “She mentioned something about confusing days that gave me a strange feeling. The biggest odd thing was that she said I left the morning after the ball. And she said she told you this when you came to see her that same morning. She was very clear that it was Sunday.”
The memory twists through me. My throat tightens. “No. She said you left the daybefore. Yes, I spoke with her the morning after the ball, but it…I specifically…” The words dissolve into a groan, and I set my jaw.
