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She nods. Tears well in her eyes as she half-smiles. “I’m so sorry. Truly. Also for everything.”
I don’t move.
Again, the questions roll through my mind like storm clouds.
What if we simply started over now? Moved on from this place of unresolved hurt and uncertainty? What if we let the past rest, push aside whatever secrets it contains, and begin anew from here?
Could I do that? Could she?
What would it look like to simply forget? Let it go? Release whatever remnants of a confusing past we hold and instead take hold of —
I pull my gaze from hers and force the thoughts aside as much as possible. “I should’ve known you wouldn’t lie, wouldn’t break that kind of promise. I should’ve trusted you more. Questioned it all more.”
“I should’ve trusted you more too. I’m the one who fell for whatever illusion or magic or whatever this is.”
“We don’t know I didn’t too. Maybe we were both stupid.”
“No,” she says softly, so softly I have to look over. Her gaze meets mine and holds. “Not stupid, Kirran. Afraid. It’s a vulnerable thing, giving someone the power to break you.”
The quiet settles around us, thick and isolating, though we still stand near enough that we could touch. If we reached for each other at the same time, at least. Once, it was all we could do to keep ourselves from touching, whether it was holding hands or touching faces or leaning against each other’s shoulders.
How can I even imagine that we could bridge the divide between us?
Even without the confusing parts, the lies or illusions or whatever they are, over seven years apart, without a shred of contact…
How do we overcome that?
“Alia…” My voice hitches. I clear my throat. “What if there are never answers?”
She frowns. Her gaze searches mine, but I find no response there, only thoughtfulness.
“Would you be able to be…” The final words won’t come, but she knew me well once. And can apparently still read me.
“Would you?”
An ache builds in my chest. I scrape my teeth against my tongue again. “I don’t know. I’d rather figure out the truth before we make any decisions about…us.”
She nods once, as if taking that in. Then she shifts a small step closer. “I’d prefer that too. It’s difficult to consider, you know, being with you again. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.”
I tense before I can stop myself. “Ah.”
Her attention snaps to my hands and then back to my face. “It isn’t…just that.”
But the uncertainty in her bright eyes gives her away. Perhaps my father was right to keep my hands and arms covered, at least until a wedding took place. Until after the binding was irreversible.
No. Honesty is better. Anything else is trickery.
I’m sick to death of deceit.
I keep my gaze on a nearby fountain as the soft light sparkles across the water. “It’s all right. I don’t expect you to want to get involved.”
Alia settles herself at my left and stares the same direction as me. Fireflies blink in lazy circles around us, and one halfway tangles itself in her hair. Without hesitation, she plucks the insect free and lets it crawl to the tip of her finger. Tenderness plays on her lips as it flies away.
“I simply mean that I don’t know this new you,” she says. “I can’t imagine what you had to do, what decisions you faced. And perhaps I’m looking at it wrong — maybe we need to think about it as getting to relearn everything about each other. And then some.”
A soft breeze swirls around us, teasing the strands of hair I can’t help but stare at. The scent of the nearby lilacs washes over me. I shift closer to her on instinct.
“We both shattered,” she continues, her voice wistful, “and we picked up our pieces, as much as we could. And if we’d done it together, it’d be different. It’d be something that drew us closer. But we each did it alone. We had to survive alone.”
