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Richard reached for the paper bag in the passenger seat and then slid out of his green Chevy pickup truck. A box of Ding Dongs and a bottle of Jack were exactly what he needed to get tonight’s pity party started.
As he walked up the stone pathway, an orange tabby cat darted in front of his legs and nearly tripped him in its rush to beat Richard to the empty bowl by the front door. “Yeah, yeah, it’s coming!”
He fumbled to get the right key into the lock, swearing under his breath. He turned it to the left, kicked the bottom of the door, and turned the key back to the right. He heard the lock click and then pushed the door open.
There was a trail of rose petals leading from the doorway and down the hall to his bedroom. An absurd number of candles, way more than what was safe in a house with cats, occupied every available flat surface.
Richard froze.
He blinked a few times to make sure what he was seeing was real, but the roses and candles remained no matter how many times he looked.
“What the ever loving fuck?”
“Welcome home, love,” a deep voice purred.
A short figure stepped out of the shadows, his smile shining as brilliantly as the candles. He was older, perhaps in his forties, broad, and his full beard was speckled with gray. His eyes seemed to glow in the low light, and he had a bouquet of blue orchids.
Richard stiffened, his hand tightening around the paper bag and the very heavy bottle inside. The stranger’s voice had sent a delicious shiver down his spine and instantly woken up his cock, as if it didn’t know this was an intruder and being turned on was a very incorrect response.
“Uh, who the hell are you?” Richard scoffed. “Think you’re in the wrong house.”
“I’m your date for the evening.” The man winked. “Zelaz Beastspear.” He offered out the flowers, stepping close enough now that Richard could smell the spicy warmth of his cologne. “Here, these are you are you.”
“My date?” Richard stared at the bouquet.
“You sent in an application to a very exclusive service. One that promised amonstrouslygood time. Ringing any bells, Mr. Collins?”
“But I don’t…” Richard trailed off as a light bulb of recognition clicked on in his head. “Ohshit.”
A couple of weeks ago, Richard’s best friend had sent him a website that was too absurd to believe: a monster dating service.
It guaranteed a positive experience with a monstrous specimen of immense proportions.
After having a few drinks, filling out the application was the best idea Richard had ever had and he couldn’t wait to get a match. Once he was sober, he decided it was a farce and put it out of his mind. There was no way it could be real, and yet here was Zelaz Beastspear with his favorite flowers and apparently ready to woo him by candlelight.
While Richard hadn’t been expecting to hook up with Bigfoot or share a romantic evening with Frankenstein’s Monster, this man definitely looked far too ordinary even for a joke.
“Wait a second, man. You mean…” Richard gestured vaguely at Zelaz. “You’re telling me you’re a monster?”
“Yes, indeed,” Zelaz replied.
“Oh, come on.” Richard snorted. “At least wear a horse mask or something.”
“Patience, darling. Let’s have a drink first, shall we?”
The paper bag in Richard’s hand vanished, replaced by a glass of what was presumably the Jack within since the bottle was now sitting on a silver tray with the Ding Dongs. Each one had been removed from the wrapper and stacked in a tidy pyramid. The orchids were now sitting in a vase on the entryway table.
Richard flinched, trying not to show how shocked he was by such an impressive display. He sniffed the contents of the glass to confirm it was indeed his Jack Daniels, but he hesitated to take a sip. There were many different levels of weird, but this was a step beyond anything he had ever experienced.
“The Fuck A Monster service has been having some… trouble as of late,” Zelaz said, raising a glass of his own to Richard’s. “Candidates apply, but then they’re declining dates. Which, of course, is their right, but monsters do pay quite a lot for a chance to take a willing human out on a date. Forgive me if I wanted to make sure you were still interested before I put something on more… comfortable.”
“So, the monsters show up and the clients realize they bit off more than they could chew?” Richard snorted, glancing around the room to check for any more surprises as he hesitantly took a sip.
“Exactly so.” Zelaz took a step closer. “You, however, had such a detailed request. You asked not only for a full monstrous ravaging, but in the comments section you requested, and I quote, ‘the hardest, dirtiest, rawest monster fucking available.’”
Richard coughed and nearly spat out his drink.
“You wanted ‘to be bred like a filthy dog repeatedly with the biggest, hardest cock available,’” Zelaz continued, his bright eyes glittering. “My interest was piqued, to say the least.”
