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And there was the sticker in my paw. The straw that turned my day completely sour.
It wasn’t just Killian who had changed, but Captain. After that night I watched him with that woman, my interest and need to be around him had tripled, while he avoided me like a rocky shore, veering far around me. I was invisible unless it was to scowl at or make a comment to my father that I should be at a proper girls’ school.
And my awareness of him was taking away all my concentration. I lost to Killian today in a sword fight because I wouldn’t stop watching Captain, wondering what he was thinking, wondering what he was doing when he left the ship.
He used to take me to the market, letting me pick out a treat; now he was choosing Killian to join him on outings. Treating him like he was his apprentice.
“Here.” Killian dropped a polished stone about the size of a marble into my hand. The rich green jade was laced with bright yellow flares. “I saw it and thought of you.”
My chest clenched, my gaze darting up to Killian’s violet eyes, intently going back and forth between mine. “It reminded me of your eyes.”
I held my breath, a wave of fear and confusion prickling at my skin. I didn’t understand why he was looking at me like that. He never had before.
“Kitty-Kat.” His hand touched my arm, his tone wanting something. I think I knew, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. If I did, it would change everything.
He leaned forward, like he was going to kiss me, and my body locked up.
Boots clumped across the deck, jerking my head away from Killian. Croygen sauntered to the railing, his spot when the world got too chaotic. I had spied on him a thousand times at his spot, and it never got old. Watching him give his thoughts over to the sea like it was his confession. It fascinated me, pulled me in, had me on pins and needles, though he never spoke out loud. It was like I heard him and the sea talking anyway because the sea spoke to me in the same language.
Staring at him now, I wanted even more to crawl into his mind and hear what problems weighed on his shoulders. Was I one of those problems? Had he ever spoken to the sea about me?
“Kat?” My name barely registered, my attention completely absorbed on the pirate in communion with the ocean, his stunning features tingling every bone in my body.
“Kat!” Killian nudged me hard, jerking my head back to him. His mouth parted, his eyes widening while his head went back and forth between me and Croygen. “Shiver me timbers… you like our captain?”
“No.” My defenses went up, my head shaking, my expression contorting into overexaggerated disgust. “I don’t!”
“He’s our captain!” He ignored my pathetic denial. “He’s like your father’s age. That’s so gross, Kat.” Killian’s bewilderment was filled with anger. “You love him.” Hurt filled his eyes as he scooted toward the rope. “I-I can’t believe you.”
“No, wait… Kill, I don’t like him that way.” I reached out for him, feeling the marble heat in my palm. “I swear.”
“Don’t lie to me,” he spat. “It’s so obvious.”
Was it? Was I totally transparent? Was that why Croygen avoided me? He felt disgusted by me too?
“Killian, don’t…” I scrambled to the ratline, grabbing his arm. A surge of desperation and fear opened my mouth. “Don’t tell anyone, please.”
It was a confirmation, a truth he was hoping to be wrong about, and I only gave it validation.
His lids narrowed, his mouth pinching in a thin line. He shook his head before disappearing below the crow’s nest, swinging down the rope like a monkey and dropping to the deck below.
My chest felt hollow, and my heart and brain were even more confused. I sat there with the jade stone in my hand, feeling like I lost my best friend. Once again, a single moment had changed everything, and there was no going back.
My eyes took in the man now, his hair slightly longer, his body taut, filling out his expensive clothes, radiating power. Money gave people an air, the security and confidence of someone who never had to be without. This man had the demeanor of a lord, someone you’d never know came from nothing. Abuse, abandonment, starvation, knowing cold so deep in your bones it felt like it would never leave. The exhaustion and trauma of survival. The boy who stowed away had been filled with so much anger and hate that I thought Captain was going to leave him ashore, letting him be someone else’s problem. Instead, he turned Killian’s wrath into a weapon, training him to release his energy in other ways. Fighting, stealing, and probably whoring later.
When Master started training us, the crew made a dummy from rice bags and straw to practice our blades on. Killian had named it Hazem, his supposed best friend at the orphanage, who tried to kill him. The day after that incident with Killian in the crow’s nest, the dummy’s name changed. A big C was drawn on the bag of rice instead.
No doubt for Captain or Croygen.
Killian became disrespectful and angry toward Captain. And when he found me later, after my father died, it had turned into pure abhorrence.
But by then, he had an ally in his animosity. A partner in despising our old captain and fantasizing about his death. Though Killian didn’t plan on my fury turning into an obsession. I didn’t want it to be just a fantasy. I wanted it to be real. So, once again, Croygen consumed my thoughts and had more power than Killian’s feelings for me.
I remembered the night he left me so clearly.
“One day you’ll come crawling to me, when I’m the one swimming in riches and power.”
Was that what this was about? Did he become lord to prove something?
