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Prologue
June – Seven years ago
Paul
The radio is blasting as we head down the highway. Mom’s singing at the top of her lungs as we head out of town for hockey camp. She loves her early 2000s songs, so I know them all. Green Day, Beyoncé, Radiohead, Britney Spears. My gear bag and duffle are in the back of our Ford that’s older than Mom, and we drive with the windows down since there’s no air conditioning.
These are the moments I love the most with her. It’s just us, laughing and having a good time. A lot of my friends are embarrassed by their parents, but I’m not. Mom is the best, and Dad loves her more than life. They are relationship goals.
Someday, I’ll find a love like theirs, and life will be perfect.
“Okay, big man,” Mom says as she turns down the music. “What are you most looking forward to during camp?”
“Playing hockey. Duh.” I roll my eyes but laugh.
“Well obviously, smartass.” She huffs at me. “What specifically? Is there a skill you’re looking forward to perfecting or a coach you want to work with?”
I shrug. “I dunno. I’m just happy I get to go. I’m gonna be a hockey star one day, you’ll see.”
She smiles at me, taking her eyes off the road for just a second, but that’s all it takes for the world to turn upside down. In the blink of an eye we crash into something big and lose control.
“Mom!” The scream rips from my throat as fear like I’ve never experienced before chokes me. The unimaginable force of the crash jerks me forward on my seat belt. The screeching of tires overwhelms my head; burning rubber and hot radiator fluid fill my nose before my brain can process that we’ve stopped moving.
My head is buzzing, and my body trembles as I look around. My eyes are wide with adrenaline and fear. We’re off the road, facing a ditch next to a field.
“Mom.” My voice is small and cracks as I turn to check on her. She’s slumped over, leaning against the steering wheel. “Mom!”
I fumble with my seat belt, but I can’t get it to unlock.
“Mom!” I lean as far over as I can, forcing the seat belt over my head to give me more room while a white-hot pain high on my chest steals my breath for a second. Clutching my right arm against my chest, I shuffle my way across the bench seat until I can reach Mom. Her face is turned away from me, and I’m afraid to move her. Reaching a shaking hand to her neck, I feel for a pulse, but I can’t find one.
Am I in the right spot? Tears are making it hard to see, and the knot in my throat is making it hard to breathe.
“Momma,” I sob. “Please wake up.”
I shake her shoulder a little, but she doesn’t respond. Pressing my ear to her back, I listen for any kind of noise, but there’s nothing.
Picking up her hand, I hold it against my cheek and sob until my throat is raw and my eyes hurt, rocking back and forth.
I know I should call 911, but I can’t see anything through the tears. Nothing is where it was, so I don’t see her phone. How can I call for help if I don’t have a phone?
“Hey!” There’s a male voice outside the truck. “You guys okay?”
A man in a John Deere ball cap appears at my window, takes one look at me, and wrenches the door open. “Hey, man, come on. Let’s get you out of here and I’ll help her. Okay?” He reaches for me, but I scream.
He holds up both hands like he means no harm, then backs up.
“Bethany!” he yells up toward the road. “Call 911. There’s a kid in here and a woman, I think. The driver doesn’t look good.”
He moves around the truck to Mom’s side and reaches in through the window to touch her neck. His shoulders drop, and I know before he says anything what he knows. She’s dead.
Part of me knows it, but my brain can’t accept it as truth.
“Come on, Mom. Wake up. Please.” The adrenaline is fading, zapping my energy, and dropping me into shock, I guess. Numb is better, right? Easier.
The next few hours are a blur. From the side of the road, to an ambulance, to the hospital. The seat belt broke my collarbone, so my arm is in a sling. I’m sitting on a hospital bed with Grandma, picking dirt and grass from my clothes when Dad comes in.
“Heather?!” His panicked voice echoes in the space, and I look up to see him frantically looking for Mom while staff follow behind him telling him he can’t be back here.
