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I had this festering void that had grown talons and pierced my heart. So much so that I spewed all of that toxic bullshit at Haley, desperate to protect myself. Protect my kids. When I had made the connection to R&H Enterprises on that letter, addressed to Haley, all my assumptions clicked into one ringing phrase.
She’d lied to me.
Pitied me so intensely she went behind my back and faked an investor. Even now the shame of it tugged on my soul, reminding me what an ironic twist of fate this was. I had someone I refused to live without, and she did the one thing my pride would never survive.
But that moment I wanted her gone—the second I opened her door and saw that car seat— the venom was gone in an instant. It was like watching myself in a dream. I’d gone too far, said too much, and I wanted to go back, rewind time. My children loved her, and this argument of ours, it wasn’t so immense that we couldn’t get past it. It wasn’t something to end a relationship over; we could work through it. Wewouldwork through it.
I had backtracked immediately, only to have her close herself off and seal her heart shut.
I was ashamed of my behavior, but more than anything I just wanted a chance to make it right. But each night, she would go on little errands, filling her time until bedtime then she’d come home, do the girls’ routine, and once they were in bed, she was behind our bedroom door with the lock clicked in place.
I had been sleeping in the guest room, which if the girls knew, they hadn’t let on.
I received the investment money for my gym, but I hadn’t touched it.
Anger over the situation was still there, just slightly skewed. I was angry at myself, not her. It was an embarrassment that we were even in this fight, and maybe if I weren’t so fucking pathetic, this never would have been an issue for us. But how did I take a handout from the woman I loved, who I wanted to see me as a provider?
How could she see my strength if she was the one covering everything that made me weak?
It didn’t seem possible to fix, so we lingered in the painful in-between. I loved her. I wanted her. But I refused to be saved by her.
That refusal would ultimately be our end.
* * *
Colson metme at the gym early.
He’d been doing that for the past few days. We hadn’t really talked through what happened. I think he knew I was already down and didn’t need another kick in the gut by being told that I was an idiot.
He let me spar with him, expelling the extra energy.
Then we’d sit quietly while we listened to the music blaring from the speakers, and the other guys working out around the room.
“I have regrets,” Colson suddenly said, packing up his gloves.
I tilted on the bench, trying to recline against the back of the wall.
“About what?”
My best friend turned, and I couldn’t quite read the look on his face. “What I did while I waited for Nora to come back to me.”
That made me laugh. “No shit. All you did was drink.”
His wince wore off after he shifted and then touched his wedding ring. The small gesture hit me in the chest. Jokes aside, at least she came back to him.
“Haley tried to make me better. She wasn’t forcing us to talk about our past, or our issues. She was here helping me become a better person. Swapping my chips for carrots, bringing by plants, which reminded me of Nora, opening the shades. Getting me to go on walks, taking my beer away.”
I had a lump in my throat because that did sound like my girl. My beautiful, strong, selfless girl.
“You’re saying you don’t know what to do to get her back, but I think you do.”
I let his words slowly sink in instead of snapping back. Because I didn’t. If I knew then I would have her.
“What would you have done differently while you waited for Nora to come back?”
Colson stood and stretched while looking off into the distance. “I would have fixed her garden. I would have pulled it into my yard, made a statement that she was going to be with me. I would have torn down our fence. Anything to show her that we were going to be together. Instead, I just fucking waited. Some things require action.”
I looked down at my feet and tried to sort through what sort of action he meant but realized it didn’t really matter. Colson walked away, leaving to go meet Nora. I stayed put, knowing I needed to move but terrified that I was about to make the wrong one.
