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“That’s not what I meant and I wasn’t talking to you. Do you know how boring my life was until a few months ago? I did nothing except from hanging out with Grazia, and now I’m alone in Rome, no friends, no money, pregnant.”
“You are not alone, you have me, and I’m all you need.”
She laughed in my face. It was a short and defiant sound. “Garon, we both know you’re not ready for this. You don’t want a child. I’ve watched you finding new ways to destroy yourself for years, pushing your limits. You act like your whole life is a party, but you’re running from something. I don’t know what it is, but I know you won’t stop running for a child.” She sighed. “I won’t make you do that.”
Her words felt like someone was throwing stones at me. We all knew I was broken, a failure. I was the living, breathing prophecy Fabiano Caputo made — that I’d bring nothing but shame to his name. The only father I’d ever known was a piece of shit who only cared about his money and his power, and never held back his punches when we ended up alone in a room. I was a shadow, a disgrace, a broken man trying to hold himself together with vodka and pills. I couldn’t sleep because of my brutal headaches and I couldn’t feel much because the darkness inside me was sucking up everything else all the time.
Pina was the only thing that gave me a break from my misery. Now she was giving me a child—a person—that depended on us. And I was a fucking empty shell.
“I know all that, Pina. I know what a fucking waste of breath I am!”
“What? No.”
“Yes. It’s true. I know it, my brothers know it, the whole of fucking Sicily knows it, but I’m not walking away from a child we made together. There’s not much of me to save, but if there is one thing I will do before I die, that would be not being my Father. I won’t make this child’s life hell, do you understand me?”
“Fabiano? What does he have to do with…”
“It doesn’t matter. This game we’ve been playing is over. I gave you time and space for you to get used to the idea that you are mine, but that is over. No more running away, no more slamming the door in my face, and no more fucking dates with Leonardo Bugllioni. If I see another man around you while you carry my child, next time you’ll see them it will be in a casket.”
Pina froze and looked at me to read my face.
“You’re not joking.” She said.
“You are carrying my child. You’ve just become the most important thing in my life.”
“Garon…”
“Do not try to fight me on this.”
“I can’t.”
“I swear to God, woman, I will tie you to me if I have to.”
“I can’t!” She slapped her hand on my chest, her voice breaking into a sob. “I can’t be around you and watch you be with other women. I’ve done it for years and it always hurt. But now? It would destroy me.”
“Done. No other women.” I said before I could think about my words. I was going to keep my promises to Pina. She deserved as much.
“Don’t say things you don’t mean.”
“I meant it.” To my surprise, I did. I liked to fuck and I wanted to keep fucking… her.
“Garon, you can break my heart like no one else. I’m afraid.”
“Of me?”
“Of all the ways you could ruin me. I’m weak when it comes to you, Garon, I always was, but I know a child won’t hold you down. You have no idea how many times I dreamed about you finally coming to me, but not like this. I love you, Garon, but not enough to let my guard down and give you my heart.”
“Say it again.”
“I won’t let you into my heart just because we’re having a baby!”
“Not that. Say. It. Again. Pina.”
“What?”
“Say it.”
She stopped, I stopped, and we looked into each other’s eyes. I could feel our heartbeats syncing.
