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“You should tell your brothers the truth. And Grazia.”
“I can’t.”
Again, she touched my face softly, like she was afraid I’d break under her touch. “They love you. Every time you pushed them away, they stood solemnly by your side. What’s killing you isn’t the lack of DNA from Fabiano Caputo, it’s the fear that one day your family might reject you. The unknown is the darkness, Garon, not your heritage.”
I fought a shiver and closed my eyes tightly, trying to think, but my brain was too scattered.
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Look at me, please.” I did and she was beautiful, an angel looking over me. “I’ll be by your side no matter what you decide, but this will always haunt you. You can’t run faster than the truth, baby, and you say I’m the cure for all that, but what if one day I won’t be enough anymore. What are you going to do then?”
“I…”
“We’re going to have a baby. This child will need you to be fine and happy. You can’t let the darkness consume you anymore, not when we’ll have another life depending on us.”
My hand traveled down to her stomach and I felt the bump forming there.
What she said felt like an ice cold shower. I was going to be a father. My anguish was no longer the center of my life, but our baby was. We didn’t want this child, we didn’t plan for it, and to be honest, it terrified me to think about it most of the time, but it didn’t change the fact that in six-or-so months, it will all be real.
It occurred to me that I never felt excited about Pina’s pregnancy. I felt pride, fear, love for our unborn baby, but never excitement for the future. Not because I wasn’t, but because every time I thought about what was coming next, all I could see was this secret coming out. I was a slave to it.
“You’re right.” I said to her in one breath.
“I’m not trying to force you to do something you don’t want to, I just want to know you’ll be fine.”
“Yes, our child will need me to be.”
“I need you too.” She clung to my neck. “I need you more than you can understand.”
“I’m here,Piccolina. I’ll be fine.” I inhaled her sweet and citrusy scent. “Will you give me some time?”
“Time?”
“To tell them.” I clarified. “Giovani and I talked a lot about what’s coming next. He wants to swear me in as his underboss alongside my brothers, but we agreed that it should happenafterthe baby comes. Right now I need to be focused on you and we need to prepare for this child. Damn, we don’t even have a nursery yet.”
“There’s a designer coming next week to look at the rooms at the end of the hall from the bedroom. Rebeca recommended him.”
“There is?”
“Yes, I hope you don’t mind. I wouldn’t have changed anything without talking to you first.”
“I don’t give a fuck, change the whole house if you want to.” I wanted her to feel at home despite the abrupt changes that got her here. “Anyway, I don’t want this time to be about me. It should be about you and our baby, but I won’t take my place in thefamigliawithout coming clean first. You have my word.”
She nodded slowly. “Whenever you’re ready. You have me behind you no matter what.”
I sunk my face in her hair and held her tight.
“I’m fucking lucky because of it. You’re giving me a life I never knew I wanted.”
“You are too.” She studied my face and then her eyes widened. “It finally makes sense.”
“What?”
“Your eyes, I always thought they were different. All eight of you have blue eyes, but I always thought yours are special. Ice and deep, not blue like the sky. I thought it was in my head.” She smiled. “Your eyes are what I love most about you.”
Fire exploded in my chest.
“I’ll make you happy, I promise. You deserve more than a broken fuck up, but I’ll work all my life to make up for all the things that I’m not.”
