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I can’t hide my shock or my outrage as I gasp. “What the fuck! What the fuck was wrong with him!”
“He wanted me to pray away the gay,” he confesses, and I see the tears gathering in his eyes. “He thought being gay was something he could beat out of me.”
I hate what I’m about to ask, but I need to know. “What would he do?”
“He would…he would make me watch gay porn and beat me if I got hard. He even…”
“Babe,” I say, grasping both his cheeks as I press my forehead against his. “He’s not here anymore. He can’t hurt you.”
“He…” He chokes on a sob, wrapping his arms around me as he shudders. “He would make me pray on my knees for hours on end. I would pray until my knees were bruised, and my tongue was dry. I’d pray and pray and pray until he’d just beat me again.”
I hold him closer against me, bringing his face to my chest, protecting him from his own memories even though all I want to do is burn the world down at his confession.
That evil fucker. I try not to, but I can picture it. I can picture Jarred—young and perfect—subjected to his father’s torturous methods.
It’s the awful, soul-crushing, ugly truth. His father tortured him as a child. He took someone innocent and pure and did one of the worst things imaginable. He made Jarred feel like he was a mistake, like his whole existence and who he was had been wrong.
I understand now. I understand why Jarred was so scared to indulge in what is happening between us. I get why it wrecked the living shit out of him. It’s not his fault. Maybe it’s not even God’s fault. It’s the fault of his bastard father.
I know I shouldn’t think it, but I’m glad his father’s dead. I’m glad he’s out there rotting somewhere six feet under, unable to hurt Jarred any more than he already has.
I hope Jarred’s father suffered in his life. I hope everything he ever loved got taken away from him. I hope he burns in hell for ever daring to do this to his own child.
“You’re so strong, babe,” I whisper in his ear, fighting back my own tears as I kiss his cheek. “So strong. I can’t imagine going through that. You’re safe now, okay? You’re safe, and you never have to go through that again.”
“I’m not strong,” he argues, pulling away so his tear-drenched face can look up at me. His lips are quivering, and his eyes are full of so much pain and devastation. “I gave into temptation with you, Noah. I sinned."
"No, your father messed with your head," I say gently, mad at the world but not at him. “He taught you that who you are is wrong and that’s bullshit.” I pause, brushing his trembling lip with my thumb. “Are you gay, Jarred?”
He sucks in a shuddering breath. Ever so slowly, he nods. He nods and he sobs and there’s snot running down his nose and tears kissing his lips. “Yes. I’m…I’m gay.”
I don’t think he’s ever said it aloud before. I’m so fucking proud of him for doing it. Knowing what I know now, I'm so proud that he still came to me. I’m honored that he’s shared this with me, and I plan to support him in any way I can.
“How did that feel to say?”
“Scary…but good,” he says through a shaky smile, wiping at his nose with the back of his hand. “It felt good.”
“I’m here for you. Whatever you need. Just don’t push me away,” I beg. I’m not used to being vulnerable. I’m not used to opening myself up like this but if it’s what Jarred needs, I’ll do it. “Please, don’t push me away, Jarred.”
He snuggles into my chest, hand over my beating heart. “I don’t think I can anymore.”
Good. He hasn’t healed from what happened all those years ago, but I’ll help him. I’ll be here for him. I’ll do whatever it takes to make him realize he’s perfect just the way he is.
Because this is turning into more than a fuck, more than a whim, and more than anything I could have ever imagined.
Because I want Jarred. Not just now but maybe always.
CHAPTER16
NOAH
This is fucking awkward.
As I sit inside the chapel, one part of the big circle that’s comprised of campers, I gulp.
It’s ministry time, and I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. The campers are all staring at me expectantly. Patrick and Kendall hang outside of the circle, giving me encouraging looks. I might have let it slip that I was nervous, so they told me they were here for moral support. Honestly, I’m relieved. I know I’m going to fuck this up.
Fuck, I’m only slightly annoyed at Jarred for making me do this.
