AllFreeNovel
Share Us
JARRED
I try to even out my breath. It’s hard to control the rapid beating of my heart and the way my palms sweat. I never thought I would do this. I never thought I’d be capable of it, but I have to.
I’m going to tell Father Matteo about me and Noah.
It might be sheer insanity that’s driving me to do this, but Noah makes me crazy in all the best ways. The conversation I had with him by the lake a few days ago was illuminating. I didn’t realize how terror-stricken I would be at the thought of my life without him. It didn’t help that when we got back to my cabin, he…he fucked me like he loved me. Slow, gentle, smooth. Only soft praised whispers fell from his normally dirty tongue, and it entranced me.
I don’t want Noah to have to hide. I couldn’t stand the almost vulnerably heartbroken look on Noah’s face when he asked me about us.
I can’t come out. Ican’tbut maybe Father Matteo can give me some guidance. I just need to know what to do.
I steel myself and walk into the chapel. I have to do this. I have to do this for Noah. I have to do it for us. I need to tell someone about all these feelings that are swirling around in my head, my heart, my gut, my fucking everywhere.
I see Father Matteo standing at the front of the chapel, sorting through the vigil candles he keeps in the corner. I suck in a deep breath as I approach him, and my legs feel numb. I clear my throat once to get his attention. “Hey, Matteo. Do you have time to talk?”
Father Matteo raises his brows at me, probably cautious because I never refer to him like that. “As your priest or your friend?”
“Both. I could…”
I trip over my own words. I can’t do this. I can’t—
Noah. Noah. Noah.
“I have something to say,” I finish, gulping harshly.
He nods. “Let’s step into my office.”
“Can we do it in here?” I ask quickly, gesturing at the pews. “I kind of want Him to hear it too.”
“If that’s what you want,” he says, following suit as I take a seat on the front pew. He cocks his head to the side as he places a gentle hand on my back. “Are you okay? You look like you’re going to vomit.”
That’s not far from the truth. I have so many things running through my mind. My father, the bastard, beating me into heterosexual submission. The porn I was forced to watch. The constant hours he made me spend on my knees begging for God’s mercy.
Noah. Noah. Noah.
But that thought alone rings through all the fog.
“I have been battling something for a while now,” I begin, clasping my hands in front of me, eyes locked on the crucifix just above the altar. “I wasn’t going to say anything or act on it because it was wrong, but I think the time has come for me to be honest with myself and with God.”
“Is this about the camp counselor you’re attracted to?” he asks.
I nod shakily. “Yes.”
“Is it about Noah?”
I think my heart actually skips a beat. I whip my head at him, my mouth drawn open in sheer horror as I stare at his knowing gaze. “Wait, you know about him? How?”
“Bragging is frowned upon by the church, but I’m smart,” he says with a small shrug of one shoulder. “I’ve seen the way you’ve looked at him during mass.”
“Do you think anybody else noticed?” I ask, suddenly paranoid that my feelings for Noah have been broadcasted for the world to see this entire time.
“You’re my friend, Jarred,” he chuckles softly, patting my back. “I’ve known you for ten years. I don’t think others know you as well as I do.”
“Okay. Good,” I breathe, calming down just a bit. “That’s good.”
Father Matteo waits for a second, probably for me to collect my bearings before he speaks again. “So, you and Noah.”
“We’re together.”
