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He nods carefully and raises his hands in confusion. “So, what’s the problem?”
“What do you mean what’s the problem?” I ask with wide eyes, staring at him in shock. “That’s the problem. I’m…”
But my breathing has picked up again.Godis watching. I wanted Him to but the weight of his presence around me feels suffocating. I tug at the collar of my polo, my spit suddenly drying up, my tongue heavy and fumbling in my mouth.
Father Matteo’s patient as he waits for me to calm down again. “It’s okay to say it.”
This is it. These are the words that have been so hard to say. The ones that have been keeping me up at night. The ones that I wanted so badly to not be true, but they are.
“I’m gay.”
It feels…strange. Maybe not the sweet relief some people claim they feel when they speak the truth, but it’s…lighter, maybe? Perhaps,the heavy feeling in my chest has eased just a tad. My fingers still zap with little tremors and my feet keep tapping away at the faded carpet, but I’m still alive. God hasn’t smitten me where I sit.
Father Matteo smiles, bright and shiny as if I didn’t just confess a heavy sin in His house. “Thank you for telling me.”
“What? You’re not going to tell me I’m going straight to hell for it?” I ask, preparing to hear all the foul things my father said. All the taunts.Faggot. Pansy. Cocksucker.All those horribly poisonous words that marked me aswrong.
“Now, why would I say that?” he asks, leaning back on the pew as he clasps his hands over his stomach, looking at me with intrigue.
I fumble for an answer that should be so obvious to him. “Because it’s…”
“Wrong? Disgusting? Immoral? Do you truly believe that, Jarred?”
“Yes, I mean, no.” I correct myself. “I used to. Or I do. It’s complicated.”
“Do you want me to tell you you’re going to burn in hell?” he questions, tipping his head toward the altar. “Do you want me to say that God hates you now?”
“Doesn’t he?” I ask, my voice small as I stare at His likeness hanging right in front of me.
“Why would he? God loves all his people. Despite what you think, his love isn’t contingent on your sexuality.”
“You’re a priest,” I gasp, shaking my head at the absurdity of it all. “How can you say that?”
“Because I’ve lived,” he puts it simply. “Because I’ve seen things. Because I believe that the gospel was written by man and man makes mistakes.”
Mistakes. That’s what I thought Noah was at first. One terribly inappropriate and corrupting mistake. I fought my hardest to resist him, I really did, but it was futile in the end. He wrapped me in his loving embrace, he held me close, he shielded me from everything, and he took me as I am.
I think that’s all I’ve ever wanted. It’s what I thought God could give me if I played straight. It’s what I couldn’t find in Jenny. I just wanted someone to want me for me, to accept me, to look at me and not think there was something dirty or immoral about me.
I think Noah’s always wanted that too. I think that’s why we clicked so well, drawn together like moths to a burning flame, as easily as the wind carries dusk’s promises across the air.
“I think I love him,” I admit quietly, looking at Father Matteo who’s still smiling. I think I’m still in shock that he’s not cringing and grabbing at his crucifix.
“Isn’t that a bit too soon?” he jokes, and I know he’s only teasing.
“That’s why I saidthink. I want to see where this will go with him, but I don’t know how I can live the life I live while being gay. Doesn’t that mean I’m not catholic?”
He clicks his tongue in consideration. “That’s a tricky one, and I don’t have an answer for you. Technically, you’re not, but you can still believe in God and love Him without being catholic. Ultimately, it’s your life, Jarred. You need to do what’s best for you.”
But I still don’t know what that is. I still don’t know what the right choice is. I’ve told Father Matteo, but that’s because I wanted God to know. I wanted to see how I would feel. Clarity isn’t something I’ve gotten today. I want Noah. I want my life. I want God but is it even possible to have it all?
“Choose happiness, Jarred,” Father Matteo says. “That’s all God wants from you.”
But if that’s true then why is the choice between God and Noah this hard?
CHAPTER24
NOAH
