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“Fuck, Jenny!” I shout at her stubbornness. She flinches, clutching at her imaginary pearls as she gapes at me.
“What’s with the sudden language? You never used to be like this,” she asks, her voice small as if I’ve actually struck her. That innocent act doesn’t work on me. Not after two decades of marriage.
Weeks of marriage counseling, months of talking with lawyers, and years of feeling like I’m trapped have led to this. I can’t make myself any clearer with her. I don’t know what her insistence is on staying together, but there’s no way in hell I’m letting her get away with talking me out of this. Not this time.
I’ve let her treat me like shit for more than half of my life. I’ve been her doormat, her servant, her figurative punching bag, and I can’t take it anymore.
“Because you never let me! You controlled everything about my life, and I just took it! I’m tired of that! I have someone now that appreciates who I am and doesn’t treat me like shit!”
Her eyes widen as her compact mirror drops to the floor. “You’re…you’re with someone?”
I bypass her shock that someone could possibly want me and nod. “Yes.”
“Who?” she barks, standing and marching up to me with venom in her eyes. “Who could possibly be worth ending our marriage?”
“Noah!”
His name slips off my lips before I have the chance to think better of it. It’s the automatic reaction I didn’t know I had. Fear strikes me. The plan hadn’t been to say anything about Noah but now that it’s out there, it’s out there.
Jenny looks as shocked as I feel but confused all the same like she didn’t quite hear me right. “What did you say?”
“It’s Noah. Jenny…” I take a deep breath, my clenched fists trembling at my side. “I’m gay.”
And then it hits me. That clarity I was searching for. That certainty I craved when I spoke to Father Matteo. That feeling of joyous relief finally hits me. It’s terrifying, exhilarating, but ultimately…freeing.
I said it.
I’m gay.
I’m gay and in love with Noah Scott.
I said it and God hasn’t smitten me. I said it and the world is still turning. I said it and I’m still alive and breathing. I said it and it felt sofuckinggood.
“I’m a gay man,” I repeat, clearer and louder this time, a smile threatening to split my face. “I’m a gay man and I’m in love with Noah.”
“N—No, no you’re not,” Jenny stutters, shaking her head as she takes a step back. “That’s ridiculous! That terrible boy has corrupted you!”
“You watch your fucking mouth when you talk about him!” I snap, pointing a dangerous finger at her. “Deal with it. I love Noah, and I’d choose him over you any day.”
She snarls at me, swatting my hand down as she shoves my chest. “How dare you turn your back on God!”
Am I really turning my back on God? Am I willing to sacrifice everything I’ve ever known, everything I’ve ever believed, for a man who might not love me back?
The answer is yes. In the choice between God and Noah, I choose Noah. In the choice between a life of misery and happiness, I choose happiness.
“At least I’m not a cheater,” I say with a breathless laugh. “I’m finally happy for once in my life. You gave me the twins, Jenny. I’ll always be thankful for that, but you have no place in my world anymore.”
“Of course, I don’t,” she growls, gathering her belongings with haste and violence. “Mark my words, God is going to punish you for this. God will see to it that you are made an example of for every person out there with deviant thoughts like yours.”
I take her words in, but they don’t have the effect she wanted. God won’t punish me. There’s nothing God could do to me that I can’t face with Noah by my side. I don’t know what this means for the camp, but I do know that Jenny won’t breathe a word of this. She wouldn’t be able to cope with people knowing that she was married to a gay man for twenty-five years. It would humiliate her.
My secret is still safe. I’ll get it all. Noah and the camp.
I leave her, stunned in the chapel, and head toward the dining hall. Fighting with her has taken up too much of my time, and it’s about the hour that the highlight reel is going to start. I’m still trembling from leftover adrenaline, but I walk with a purpose. I make sure that my steps are confident as I enter the dining hall, seeing that Kendall and Patrick have already set up the big screen and the projector.
Every year, we do a highlight reel for Family Weekend, just to show off what the kids have spent the summer doing and what they’ll continue to do in the two weeks left of camp. It’s nothing super fancy, and only parents are allowed in, while the rest of the campers prepare a special presentation by the lake.
“Everything okay, Mr. Walker?” Kendall asks me when I reach her. She cocks her head to the side and scowls. “I’m sorry, but you seem…flustered.”
