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I hold onto the paper like it’s a lifeline. I have a choice to make now. Do I let the best thing that’s ever happened to me slip away because of my own cowardice? Do I bend to the will of my dead father’s wishes? Do I…do I choose God?
But it’s not a choice, is it? If what Father Matteo said is true, then I can have both. I can have Noah and still believe in God. I don’t know how, but I can. I have to believe that there’s an answer to this fucked-up puzzle I’m just missing.
But I know I can’t do it without Noah.
CHAPTER29
NOAH
I toss another handful of popcorn at the screen. Why did I choose to watch this again? Two sexy exorcists trying to save the soul of a single father is so not what I should be watching right now. I’m just torturing myself with this glaring reminder ofGod.
A god who—if he exists—has royally screwed me over.
I don’t even realize I’m crying until I taste tears on my lips. I’m lucky my parents aren’t around to witness this because I don’t know what I’d say. Thankfully, they haven’t asked about why I left camp so early. All they know is that there was a sex tape leaked, but they don’t know it was me in the video with Jarred.
Jarred.
The tears fall even quicker, just like they do every time I think of him.
I never imagined I could feel this type of pain. I thought that my parents not truly loving me was the worst I could feel but that’s a dull ache compared to what Jarred did. His words replay like an infinite loop in my brain. The things he called me are sticky reminders of my worth.
Abomination.
Maybe that is what I am. Maybe that’s all I’m meant to be. A poisonous, manipulative asshole who brings everyone down. I ruined my parents’ life by not being the perfect son. I ruined Jarred’s life by destroying his camp. I ruin what I touch.
I stopped believing in God years ago but if He really is out there, He must hate me too.
I devolve in a fit of tears. Angry, thick, desperate tears that don’t seem to end. I’ve cried every day this week, and I thought at some point it would have to end. Only a knock on the door puts me out of my misery. I try my best to make it look like I wasn’t just having a meltdown as I wrap my fluffy blanket around my shoulders and answer the door but what greets me makes the tears come back up to the surface.
“J—Jarred? What are you doing here?”
I never expected to see Jarred again. While my stomach is doing happy little backflips at seeing him, my mind roars against it. It doesn’t help that he looks exactly like I feel—battered and broken. His jaw is filled with scruff that wasn’t there before and deep bags hang under his eyes. Like mine probably are, his eyes are rimmed-red, puffy, and swollen. He’s never looked more like his true age than he does now.
“Can I come in?” His voice is cracked and weak, his lips chapped and matching the color of his pale skin. “Noah?”
“I…” I hold back the part of me that wants to throw myself at him. “I think it’s best if we talk out here.”
He nods, and I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. He made it exceedingly clear the last time I saw him that he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Nothing rivaled his brutality when he cast me away. Even now, looking at his lips, the reminder stings. His lips weren’t meant to spill those kinds of cruel words, not when he made me promise I’d be his no matter what.
Betrayal cracks at my heart and all that anger I try to keep at bay resurfaces.
“What are you doing here? How do you know where I live?” I snap, pulling the blanket tighter around me as if it’ll act as some sort of shield.
“Kendall told me.”
I bite back a curse. I knew I shouldn’t have said a thing. Kendall’s great, but she has a big heart. She mentioned before I left that Jarred just needed more time, but I didn’t have more time to give. My heart could only take so much suffering.
“Noah, I’m so sorry,” he says, eyes watering as he tries to give me a shaky smile, his lips trembling with the effort. “It’s so good to see you, baby.”
“You can’t say that to me,” I bite, taking a step away from him. “Not after what you did to me.”
He hangs his head in what I can only assume is shame. “I know what I did was wrong. Everything I said, I was wrong. You’re none of the things I called you, Noah. I need you to know that.”
“You ripped me apart,” I cry, not being able to hold back my agony. “Was I worth nothing to you?”
His head snaps back up and his pleading brown eyes pierce through me. “You’re everything to me. You saved me from myself, and you made me realize that I’m worthy of the love I choose. I choose you, baby. Over God, I choose you.”
I sob. One broken, tragic sob because he’s learned nothing. Because maybe if he had said something else, this would be okay. If he had said anything else, I would jump into his arms because I want him now just as badly as I did a week ago.
