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“It was day, Liv.” Casey’s voice had gone quiet, and he was closer now.
There was a careful quality to his tone, as though he was worried I would attack. Or flee since I couldn’t attack him. Kelsey had taken all my power and left me vulnerable.
“I remember. It was night. Myrddin called a meeting with the most powerful supernatural forces to discuss the fact that the king was missing and someone had to lead our world.”
“The king was missing because Myrddin laid a trap for his closest advisors and it went wrong,” Casey pointed out. “There was no meeting called. There was only an attack from the witches. Baby, why would I lie? What would the point be now?”
My eyes were beginning to ache, and I could feel the pressure starting to build.
“You’re trying to trick me.” I didn’t like how close he was to me. It had been years since we’d been this close. So close he could touch me. If I reached out, I could brush my hand over his cheek, feel the smooth, slightly cool skin there.
I slept hot. Always. I kicked the covers off even in the winter. But not when he’d been in bed with me. I would wrap myself around him, and it was like he absorbed all that heat, giving it a place to go so it bothered me no more.
He was so close that I had to tilt my head up to look into his eyes. I could feel a bit of his power start to flow. Persuasion. I should fight, but it felt good. It stopped my head from aching, stopped all those questions from swirling.
“I have no reason to trick you.” He was staring down at me with those glorious eyes of his. They were bleeding out, the irises taking over the whole orb. It was something that happened when he was horny or hungry.
Or emotional.
An emotional Casey could be a vulnerable Casey. The idea floated through my brain. If Casey still wanted me, he might be persuadable. He did have a reason to trick me. He was working with Kelsey and the rebels, and they needed my magic. It made sense to send Casey. I’d been vulnerable to him once, so I might be again.
It wasn’t true. I wouldn’t let myself feel anything for Casey. Dean was wrong. There was nothing inside me that was capable of true emotion, but he didn’t have to know that.
He didn’t have to know how it thrummed under the surface, taunting me because there was an essential piece of me that was gone, that I’d given away.
Also, it had been a while for me. I told myself that it was because none of the wizards in the Coven House moved me.
I didn’t admit that they didn’t move me because they were not Casey.
“And I have no reason to believe you.” His mouth hovered over mine, and the years between us suddenly didn’t seem so long. I could still remember the first time he’d kissed me, though our first real intimacy had been long before that day.
I remembered the first time I’d fed him. It had been after a battle, and he’d lost a lot of blood. We’d been in the back of Gray’s truck, and there was no one else to help him. I remembered how winter had been all around us, and I was so cold. I’d had to stroke his hair and bring him to my neck because Casey wasn’t the vampire who would fall on his prey. I don’t think Casey thought of the women who fed him as prey at all. Stupid academics. They had to have control always. They had to make you beg for it—even to save them.
“I love you, Olivia,” he whispered, one big palm coming up to cup my neck. “That’s why you should believe me. Kelsey loves you. Hell, deep down the kids still love the Liv they remember.”
A memory hit me. It was odd when I thought of those twelve years Kelsey was gone because I lived in the present. From the moment I’d realized I must take my place with my true family—the witches—I had floated through my days, letting the past completely go. When I would remember too much there were spells to help with that. Myrddin helped me to focus on the present.
It wasn’t that I didn’t remember. I could if I wanted to, but those days didn’t haunt me. I still felt a vague residual longing for certain times in my past, but I didn’t obsess about them. With the singular exception of my dreams, and those were always about what happened to me in the Wyoming wilderness. I didn’t dream about Casey kissing me or sitting around my apartment with Kelsey watching foolish entertainments.
But standing here with Casey so close to me, with his words tickling at places in my brain I thought I’d cut out, a memory flashed through me.
I’m standing in the middle of the penthouse with early afternoon light streaming in, and Albert is beside me in the kitchen. We talk about silly things, though he sounds serious even as he expresses his admiration for last night’sSurvivorepisode. Sometimes I would join him, and the big demon and I would pop some corn and drink Coke from real bottles and argue over how an immunity idol should be used. The sun is warm on my skin and I can hear the kids giggling in the other room and smell the scent of cinnamon from the French toast I’m making. It’s a lot because Kelsey will be back soon, and she’s been out investigating something with Marcus and she’ll eat and eat and eat. Marcus loves my French toast. He begs her to put more syrup on. I flip over a piece and wonder what it would be like to have a vampire adore me so much he could taste the food I ate, the wine on my tongue. Rhys runs in, and he's so heartbreakingly adorable I can’t help but grin. Miss Liv. Miss Liv, come dance with us. It’s our song. Florence and the Machine. It’s a joyous song, and Albert chuckles and takes over for me because Rhys has his hand in mine and he’s pulling me in. The playroom is a mess, but I don’t care because Lee has the music too loud and Mia is dancing with Zack’s little girl, Courtney. They all light up when I start dancing and I feel…I feel…I FEEL…
I pushed him away, shoving as much at that memory as I was him.
I didn’t want to feel. Not like that. I didn’t want to remember how I’d loved to dance and feel the sun on my skin and flirt with Casey and have Albert teach me how to cook. I didn’t want to remember how my parents had cuddled me and loved me and they would be so…
“Fuck off, Casey.” I forced the words out of my mouth.
“I’ve been wrong this whole time, haven’t I? I keep snapping at you, but that’s the wrong way to deal with you. That’s what you want.” If he was angry I’d pushed him, I couldn’t tell. His gorgeous face looked almost sad as he stared at me.
“Yes.” I pretended to misunderstand him. I pulled my cloak around me tightly because to let anything else in would crack my world in a way I couldn’t come back from. “You’ve been wrong. Myrddin is building a better world.”
“No, baby.” He didn’t follow me as I backed away from him. “He’s building a world for him, but I think while he did that, he took yours away. He took more than your soul. He warped your memories. It’s okay. You hide for a little while longer. I’ll still be here. I won’t allow anyone to take me from you this time, Liv. You’ll remember who you are and I’ll be there. Kelsey and I will be there to pick up the pieces. We will still love you. When it hits you—what happened, what you did—know in all that pain that we still love you.”
Something nasty welled inside me, and I wanted to blast him back. I could feel the spell. It would obliterate him, and then I wouldn’t have to worry about his words anymore. I wouldn’t have to ever feel this vulnerable again. I wasn’t vulnerable. I wasn’t the stupid Liv who danced with children and offered her blood up to a needy vampire. I didn’t have friends because friends took and took and didn’t give back. I was Olivia Carey, dark witch and Profane.
I was Olivia. Prisoner. Bound. Without access to any of the power I’d given my soul for.
