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“We’ll call you if anything comes up with your blood work. We’re a little backed up right now, but just remember, no news is good news,” the doctor told her.
Sophie felt good about the appointment. At least the doctor didn’t think she would have any trouble getting pregnant. The only thing she felt nervous about was a comment that Noah had made to the doctor.
When asked about their relationship, he made a joke insinuating that he was strictly a donor. She knew he was partly joking, but something about it provoked an uncomfortable emotion. Yes, Noah had informed her that he would not be a large part of the child’s life, but hearing him call himself a donor and not a father bothered her. More than she cared to let on.
Sophie stayed silent on the car ride home, feeling sick to her stomach.
“Is everything okay?” Noah asked.
“Yeah, I’m just tired,” she replied.
He didn’t question her further and dropped her off at her apartment. The moment Sophie stepped inside, tears began to fall. What if she couldn’t do this? Did she really not care if her child had a father or not?
Her thoughts carried her to the couch, where she remained for hours. Worry consumed her. All the happiness and excitement that she was feeling last week was gone.
Was she that desperate to have a child? Wouldn’t it be selfish of her to have a baby with someone she knew did not want to be a father?
It had been three weeks since she and Noah had made the agreement. They were officially engaged and were already in the process of looking into IUI. She couldn’t back out now.
She could love the child enough for both of them, right?
The tight feeling in her stomach hadn’t gone away by the time she crawled into bed that night. In fact, it followed her throughout the weekend and into her work week. She didn’t answer any of Noah’s texts after seeing him on Monday.
Hey Sophie. You seemed a little off today, is everything okay?
Should I be worried?
Hello?
Along with the physical symptoms that seemed to plague her, her anxiety about the situation continued to rise, causing her emotions to jump from perfectly okay, to despair in a matter of seconds. She didn’t want to worry Noah until she really understood what she was feeling herself.
Yes, she wanted to be a mother, more than anything in her life. But bringing a child into the world, knowing that the baby’s father didn’t feel the same, didn’t feel right to her.
And yet, she had made a promise to Noah, to marry him. To help him get the position he deserved.
A child in exchange for a job.
Wording the situation in that way made the reality of it all much darker. How would her child feel, knowing that their entire existence was so that their father could get a promotion?
Sophie knew she should have answered Noah’s messages before going to work on Tuesday morning but she still didn’t know what to say. So it didn’t surprise her when Noah called her into his office immediately upon her arrival.
“Hey,” he said, offering her seat.
Sophie sat down, clamping her hands together. “Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to answer your texts. I haven’t been feeling well.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I think I might have the flu or something,” she told him. It wasn’t necessarily a lie; she had been feeling sick. Maybe she was about to start her period. Sophie tried to remember her last cycle when Noah interrupted her thoughts.
“Are you sure that’s all it is?”
“Yes,” she replied.
Noah watched her skeptically for a moment. “Okay. But if there was something wrong you would tell me, right?”
“Of course.”
“All right. I’m out of the office for the next few days but I’ll see you for the appointment on Friday?”
