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“I can take them, I wanted to call in on Shaniya anyway.” Since what happened with Chop, I’ve forced myself to leave the compound at least once every day. I won’t let him or Abraham make me a prisoner in my own head. The world outside may not be a safe place, but it is safe from them now.
“You sure?” Skid checks, placing the boxes on the table. “It’s just that…”
“I know it belongs to her.” I place my hand over his, hating that he’s trying to hide his sadness from me. “You don’t have to get rid of it yet. We don’t have to get rid of it at all. We’ll find space for it.”
“No, it’s stupid to keep it, especially when it could be goin’ to good use somewhere else.” He smiles sadly.
“I may not have met her, but from what I’m told. I think she’d agree.”
Skid nods at me like I got it right.
“Let me take it. You can spend some time with Charlie. I do recall you and Nyx promising to build him and Dylan a soap box.” I roll my eyes as I pick one of the boxes up from the table, kiss him, and head for the door.
“Not so fast.” Skid snatches the box from my hand. “I’ll let you take ‘em, but you ain’t carryin’.”
* * *
“Don’t you have better things to be doing?” I question Hayden when I pull up outside the library and he’s waiting on the sidewalk to open the trunk.
“Yeah, but Skid called and gave me a very strict order.” He picks up both the boxes and smiles as I lead the way and open the door for him. The whole club knows our secret now. Turns out Skid was right, news travels real fast around here. Charlie got excited and told Dylan and the rest just snowballed. Glad to say that everyone’s really happy for us, though I never expected it to be any other way.
Shaniya looks happy to see me when I arrive at the library and she quickly takes the boxes out of Hayden’s hands and places them on the desk.
“I’ll leave ya to it.” Hayden salutes us as he strolls back out the door and gets to work.
“How is he?” I gesture my head to the little boy who’s sitting behind the desk and concentrating on his coloring.
“Still hasn’t said a word. I don’t even know if he can talk.” She shrugs sadly.
“And there’s been no sign of his mother?” I can’t help wondering how bad something must be for a mother to leave her child behind.
“Nothing. Maddy keeps checking the police database for reports of missing kids but nothing fits his description. I’m assuming she was on her own and just couldn’t cope, or in some kind of abusive relationship.” Shaniya keeps her voice low so the boy can’t hear her.
“This the last of Carly’s stuff.” I don’t know why I feel the need to tell her that, maybe I need a little release from the guilt I keep feeling.
“I figured. I’m sure it will be made good use of. Are you and Charlie settling into the club, okay?”
“Yeah, we’re doing as well as we can be. Everyone’s being so nice and understanding. I just don’t want…” Suddenly I realize that I’m talking to the wrong person. There are things I need to get off my chest, and not to Skid or Shaniya.
“I’m sorry, I have to be somewhere.” I turn on my heels and quickly rush back out to my car.
* * *
The cemetery is calm and peaceful. The grass is well maintained and the lushest color green, and as I kneel at Carly’s gravestone I can’t help remembering the day I saw Skid here a few months ago and how sad he looked.
“Hi,” I start, suddenly having no idea how to word this. All the way here I’ve thought about it, and now I’m blank. “I don’t know what you must think about me, turning up here in your car, living in your house… But I felt you needed to hear this as much as I need to say it.” I take a deep breath. “Ever since me and Skid started this, I’ve felt this need to live up to something. All I hear about from everyone is how amazing you were. I had no idea how I’d replace you, and today, for the first time, it dawned on me that I can’t. More than anything, I realized that I don’t want to. You’re irreplaceable to him, you're a part of Skid’s life that will always be precious. And I never want him to forget that. You made him so happy, I want him to share those memories with me. I want him to smile when he talks about you and never feel guilty for missing you. I’ve felt like I should be sorry for taking all these things that should be yours,” I admit, trying to hold back my tears. “I could have come here today and apologized for taking the life you should be living, but I’ve got this incredibly strange feeling like I know you, Carly Saunders. I feel like you were there for me and Charlie last week, watching over us, and I don’t think you’d want me to apologize. So, I came here to make you a promise instead.” I wipe the tears from my eyes when they start to flow.
“I promise you that I will do everything I can to make him happy. I promise that I’ll hold him real tight on the days he misses you, and I promise that I will love him enough for both of us. Skid told me once that he thought you sent me to him to save him, and I’ll never know if that’s true or not, but I can promise that if you did, I won’t let you down. I may have a lot still to get through but I’m strong and with him, I’m even stronger.” I think about my sister and how Skid is right. I can’t blame myself for what was done to her, it’s useless.
“Keep watching over us.” I smile at Carly’s headstone before I turn and head for the car, feeling a lot less burdened, and a hell of a lot stronger.
“You seem different.” I look at her suspiciously when she comes outta the bathroom. I thought what Gracie told Addison this morning would have put her back some steps but she seems to have taken on board what we both told her.
“I feel different.” She smiles as she joins me on the couch. “You’re right about Everleigh, I have to be ready for when she needs me. Things are gonna start getting crazy around here soon and I’ve decided that I have to start appreciating how lucky I am,” she confesses. “I lived too many days in fear, now I don’t have to anymore. I did what Grace suggested and wrote everything I wanted to say in a letter. She will give it to my sister when she thinks she’s ready. I hate not being there for her, but if it’s what she needs to make her better, I’ll suffer it.” This new positive attitude of hers is making me feel a lot more comfortable.
“Did you order?” Charlie comes outta his room with Dylan, tonight we have the boys, they’re starting to become inseparable, and seeing Charlie so happy puts my mind at ease too.
“Ordered what?” I ask.
