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“I hear ya, darlin’.” I look into those rich, brown eyes knowing that she’s saying goodbye to me. She’s letting me go, and I think she’s asking that I do the same for her. “Ain’t nothin’ better than the start of a new day.”
I smile through my tears when I feel the heat from the sun rising over the mountain. Then quick as a flash, she bolts. It’s hard to withstand the pain as I watch that pretty, little deer hop away from me and disappear into the trees out of sight, but I get the message loud and clear. And I leave any doubt, I came up here with, behind as I make my way back to my cabin.
My feet are almost running, I feel like I’ve been injected with some form of adrenaline. Suddenly it feels like nothing’s holding me back. Sure, I’ve still got apprehensions about having Addison and Charlie here and letting them down, but I also have to take into consideration how much this place has changed in the last few years. All the club members are settled now, they’ve started having kids of their own, and Prez has proven time and time again that he’s determined to make this club a safe place where families can be raised without fear. The only way I stand a chance of protecting Addison and her son is if I start to have a little faith in myself. Since Addison was brave enough to tell me her truth, I should find the courage to tell her mine.
I need to do that before I lose my nerve. Barging through my front door I see Addison stepping out the bathroom looking all cute and sleepy in an oversized button-up shirt. Seeing no reason to hold back I charge toward her and lift her off her feet.
I kiss the girl like she’s mine. I kiss her like I’m gonna give her a whole lifetime of kisses just like it, because if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that life is too short to fuckin’ waste a second.
“Skid?” She looks back at me like I’ve lost all sanity as I carry her over to the couch and sit down with her straddling my lap.
“I’ve been scared.” I feel a sense of relief escape with my words. “I don’t wanna be scared anymore.”
She suddenly looks really concerned and it makes me realize that I’m doing this all wrong. I’m rambling like a madman when what I really want is for her to be assured that I’m not gonna hurt her again.
“You need to know some things, things I’ve kept from you.” I rip off the Band-Aid and get straight to the point because I will not keep this woman in the dark for a second longer.
“Me and Carly. We lived here together. We were happy and I loved her more than I can put into words,” I start, refusing to let the poison of what comes next seep into my veins and stop it from coming out. “I had a brother who was a club member too, I loved him. I trusted him and he came into this house and he killed her.” Addison’s mouth drops open in shock. Still, I continue to get it all out. “I saw the whole thing after it happened, turns out she was makin’ me a video and the camera was still recordin’. I watched my brother rape and kill my wife and I’ve watched it over and over again, torturin’ myself.”
“Skid.” Addison wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me tight to her. Trying to comfort me but I have so much more to say. I’m scared that I’ll put the lid back on if I don't get it out now.
“My world fell apart.” I pull back a little. “Even more so when I found out that the reason she was makin’ that video was because it was her quirky little way of tellin’ me she was havin’ our baby.”
“Oh, no.” Addison covers her mouth with her hand and tears instantly form in her eyes.
“I lost myself. I did anythin’ I could to feel close to her, that's why I was at the soup kitchen that night. I had a handgun in my glove compartment and every fuckin’ reason to use it. Then I met you.” Her hand slips away from her face and she looks a little stunned by my confession.
“I told myself that Carly put us in the same place that night to give me a purpose, if you’d known her you’d understand why.” I laugh to myself sadly, and when I see the warm smile pick up on Addison's lips it makes continuing a little easier.
“You gave me a reason to keep livin’, you made me feel like myself again. Everythin’ I did for you, I did because I cared. I kissed ya that night before you went into labor with every intention of makin’ us work. But then, when Charlie came out and that nurse mistook me for his dad, everythin’ became too much. I freaked out, it all felt so unfair. Carly was innocent, she did nothin’ to deserve what Chop did to her. I shouldn’t have been ready to move on and consider a future without her when it was my fault.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Addison tries to reassure me.
“I knew Chop wasn’t safe. Deep down, I already knew he’d killed Tommy’s mom, but I thought him being here among these people would make him better. I convinced myself that he’d left all the bad shit behind him.”
“Skid, you can’t blame yourself for what he did.”
“That’s a matter of opinion, but I can fully blame myself for what I did to you.” A silence settles between us as she lets the reality of that sink in.
“I left you at a time when you needed me more than ever. I let you and your son down in a way I will never be able to forgive myself for. But I’m askin’ ya now to give me a second chance. No more hesitation, no more backin’ out. I wanna future, Addison, I know now that it’s what Carly would want for me too, and I’m certain that the person I want that future to be with, is you.” I wait for her to say something. I understand that all I’ve unloaded is a lot for her to take in but I’m hoping she believes that I mean it.
“You didn’t have afriend,did you? That house is yours.”
I nod back at her, refusing to tell another fuckin’ lie.
“I’d gotten the house a few months before Carly died. We were tryin’ to get pregnant and I wanted to give her the perfect family home. I was fixin’ it up ready to surprise her, then…” I can’t bring myself to say it again.
“You should have told me, why didn’t you? It would have all been so much easier to understand.” She shakes her head at me in confusion.
“Because I liked the person I got to be when I was with ya. I liked steppin’ outta my mayhem into a place where there was hope. I liked takin’ care of ya and makin’ ya happy. It filled all the voids I was missin’.”
“You wanted to replace her?” Addison says sadly.
“At first, maybe,.ou were pregnant, just like she was. I got to go through that experience with ya the way I should’ve with her, but it became so much more than that. Doin’ things for ya, makin’ you feel secure, and seein’ you smile became everythin’ I lived for.”
“I understand that.” She seems a little disappointed.
“I don’t think ya do.” I shake my head. “Addison, I was fallin’ in love with you and I had to stop myself because in my heart I was still married. I was betrayin’ a woman who lost her life because of me and I wasn’t ready to move on, back then.”
