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"I was the one who had Dag's and Ink's Uncle arrest your prom date because I didn't like someone else touching you, and I knew you'd hate me if I showed up.
I love you, my firefly."
I shake my head and drop my phone. Ten years I prayed he'd say those three words to me—ten fricking years—and yet, as much as I ach missing him I also despise him for what he put me through over those ten years. I understood he thought I deserved better than the club life, but wasn't that my decision to make, not his? And now look at us. He slept with anything that wore a skirt,including my own sister twice, and then because of him, because of the club, I was, well, I was.
Sighing, I shake my head. Six months, and I can still hardly say it. I took up counseling when I got here to Illinois, and she said people cope in different ways; this is just my mind's way of protecting itself.
Every day I receive phone calls or messages. Annie leaves me updates on everyone, keeping me up to date on their lives, including the fact that she and Axel had a courthouse wedding; she's waiting for me until they have a ceremony, while Mel, who is in love with Dagger, calls once a week along with Meghan, the resident doctor, who helped me during my worst time wanting to know if I'm ok. My mother leaves me a nasty voicemail at least once a day telling me how selfish I am for leaving them with no money after I took my father from her; my sister calls me a bitch daily; and Zayne, well, he bleeds his emotions out at least once a day. Like Annie, he calls, telling me everyone's news, how he's trying to find Hairy to no avail, and how Dag is head over heels for Mel but screwed up by letting another woman touch him.
I shake my head again. Flipping bikers are their own worst enemy sometimes.
He also gives me one truth a day, like today with my prom date. I wonder how he'd feel if he knew Aaron was gay and he was basically doing me a favor. I bite my lip. Yesterday, he told me he was the one who left me the heart earrings taped to my locker at school on Valentine's Day, and the day before that, he was the one who accidentally spilled half a bottle of salt in my casserole at the club. That had ticked me off. It was before I decided to take cooking classes, and instead of fessing up, he stood back and watched half the club choke, which he thoughtwas hilarious. He also tells me how much he loves me and misses me.
I wish he'd said all this before everything happened. When I spoke to my counselor about my feelings towards Zayne—how I hate him but miss him, how I despise him but love him—she said it's a natural reaction. I've been in love with him for ten years, but he's been pushing me away, thinking he knows what's right for me, and now he's having to face the consequences of his actions. His first voicemail came to mind when I nearly gave in and called him back.
"Star, baby, please, p-please come back, p-please, p-please, I need you to c-come back, please. Tell me what I s-saw was wrong. Please tell me I didn't leave y-you to be. FUCK, PLEASE STAR PLEASE TELL ME I DIDN'T LEAVE YOU TO BE FUCKING RAPED PLEASE. P-please, please." He sobs, and I squeeze my eyes shut, my tears falling down my cheeks. "Please, baby, please, I-I d-didn't leave y-you to be raped; please tell me I didn't just lose you; that you didn't leave me, please.” He breaks down over the voicemail, and I sob, clutching my stomach in pain. "You're my best friend, Firefly, my-my heart, my soul, m-my fucking everything, please, please. I-I love you, please."
The line goes dead, and I fall against the wall of the cheap motel I'm crashing into tonight.
How can I hate him and still love him so much at the same time?
Six months later, and I've spoken to no one. I moved to Illinois in a small two-bed apartment, got a job at a small café, and watched Hairy's movements like a hawk. Heck, I haven't even picked up a paintbrush since I left my family. My phone rings again, and I sigh, looking at the screen to see Annie's name popup. I wait until it stops ringing, then wait a further few minutes before it beeps with a message, and I smile, wondering if Buzz, the newly patched brother who was an amazing prospect, finally got the courage to take Bubbles, who is now known as Amy, as his old lady. Annie said something along the lines of Amy not wanting to be a sweet butt but wanting security, which is funny because she was a cleaner for the club anyway. I need Annie to explain it more clearly for me, I think because it's just confusing. I dial my voicemail before it beeps, and Annie's voice comes through, and I instantly tense; she sounds breathless.
"Hi, it's me. 6 months, Star. That's a long time without my friend. My best friend, I don't care what Flame says. He misses you and hasn't stopped looking for you either.” She sniffles before letting out a sob. "My guilt is building up again. I tried the exercises Tate suggested, but it's not working this time. That's why I've called you; leaving these messages helps. I feel like I'm back in my old childhood room with the blood soaking my jeans as Grant kicks my baby out of me. "Shelets out another sob, and my heart races."I feel so guilty for not being there for you, and I miss you so much, and now-now, I-I, I’m pregnant. I-I don't know w-what to do-do. It-it can't be okay to have a baby after not keeping them safe."Oh no,"next month would have been my due date, and now-now I'm pregnant again, but I shouldn't be; I'm on the pill, and we've been using condoms. I don't know what to do; I can't go through that again; I can't lose another one; I said I didn't want any more kids; I-I don't deserve them; I-I don't. I need you, Star; I need my friend; p-p-please." Shelets out another sob before the message stops, and I quickly hang up, crap, crap, crap. I dial her number instantly; she needs me; she's going into a panic attack.
It rings twice before she answers.
"St-Star."
She's breathless, and I try to keep my voice calm for her despite my racing heart: "Breathe, breathe, breathe." She lets out a sob before gasping, "Breathe for me, Annie, in and out, nice slow breaths. That's it, nice and slow." She does as I say, "That's it; I'm here; I'm here; keep breathing." She lets out a hiccup, and I sigh in relief before rasping, "You just scared the crap out of me; are you ok now? Please tell me you're ok now?" making her giggle a little, and I smile.
"I miss you."
I let out a sigh before my tears fell. "I'm sorry, I just need time."
"I understand; I understand more than anyone," she sniffles.
"You're doing good, Annie. And this baby is so lucky to have you as a mama, do you hear me? What happened six months ago was not your fault; it was Grants. I want to hear you say it. Say it now." Her father deserved the slow-fricking death the brothers gave him for what he did to her.
"It wasn't my fault, it was his." She rasps, and I smile. "Good, and keep repeating that in your head; do not go back down that hill. I've kept up with your voicemails, Annie; you're doing better. Hearing you fall apart just now, I couldn't stay silent. I know you needed me, and I'm here. I am."
She sniffles before letting out a small sob. "But you needed me, and I wasn't there for-for you."
My poor friend,I sigh, "Annie, you've been there for me these past 6 months with these voicemails; they've kept me going. You kept me going. When I called you and texted you, I knew you wouldn't answer. I think I just wanted to tell myself. I tried to tell someone before I left to ease my guilt about leaving my family. You were going through so much; you needed me, and I left. So, let's call it even because Imiss my friend and I want a gossip catch-up." She lets out a little giggle as I hoped before I asked, dying to know the full details: "Now tell me again about Bubbles' transformation to Amy." She laughs this time, making me grin before we get to chat for the next hour about anything and everything, and I must admit, I missed it. I missed her.
A little while later, she decided to bite the bullet, making me sigh.
"Are you doing okay—for money, I mean?"
Even though she can't see me, I shrug and say, "I'm getting by."
She clears her throat. "I have an account for you; it has the sales for the artwork you left in the storage room; there is thousands in it. I had to put it in Flame's name because, well, your mom keeps asking for the sales, but it's there."
My eyes tear up. That money would be perfect. "Can you just keep it in there for me? please?" I know she's confused, but I can't tell her yet, especially after her breakdown.
"Of course I will, but Star, if you're struggling?"
"How about, if I really need it, I'll let you know?"
