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I’ve agreed I’m going to treat her like an adult, and run any big brother plans by her before rolling them out.
She’s agreed she’s going to avoid making mistakes that she knows are mistakes.
Of course, her definition of mistakes and mine aren’t always the same. Jarrod wasn’t the only piece of shit she invited into her life. I knew her ex-husband was worthless within ten minutes of meeting him, and Shane almost came to fists with him at least twice. But Ruthie was in love.
Maybe love is a state in which we’re all rendered blind.
My mind shifts to Mira, to the feeling of her mouth on mine, to the need that kept me up half the night. Am I screwing everything up? I’m not particularly worried about the fact that she’s Delia’s sister and will thus be part of my circle of friends even if everything falls apart between us. If I have to miss a few gatherings, fine by me. It’s more…
I’m a little thrown by what I heard myself saying last night. Maybe more so because I meant it. I’m prepared to give up the apartment for the possibility to be with this woman I’ve only known for weeks. For ten years, that apartment has been my home. My sanctuary.
My prison, a voice in my head whispers.
It comes as a surprise, and I feel my face twisting up from it. I’ve never thought of it as that—not consciously—but in some ways it’s true.
“What is it?” Ruthie asks, nudging my shoulder. “You went far-off again.”
“Oh, just thinking.”
“No shit. I was asking what all that thinking was about.”
A corner of my mouth lifts. “Maybe I have a rival book van, and I’m trying to think of a way to break the news to you.”
She laughs and shakes her head. “As transparent as concrete, as always. Seriously, though, what do you think? I know I always say this, but I’m excited about this one.”
She told me a little about her plan already. She’ll partner with local events and breweries as a play and story station for kids—where they can read and color and choose a book to bring home. And she’s talked to a couple of local shelters, including Dog is Love, from which Leonard, ironically enough, adopted a cat, about having them bring adoptable kittens and puppies for the children to read to.
I put an arm around her. “I’m proud of you. It’s brilliant, Ruthie.”
It’s also extremely unlikely to bring in any kind of real money, but I don’t feel the need to point that out. She doesn’t do it for the money. Ruthie’s chasing something that’ll make her feel happy and fulfilled. She wants to make a difference in the world, or at least a small corner of it.
I understand. Growing up in our family, we always felt less valued than the dwindling supply of alcohol in the cabinet.
She wraps her arms around me, catching me off-guard, but it only takes me a second to hug her back. “I love you,” she says softly in my ear.
“I love you too.” I break away and say, “Hey, so for Thanksgiving—”
Her eyes widen. “What about Thanksgiving? Aren’t you and Narcissus going on your usual ride?”
Narcissus is her nickname for Shane, who always argues that nicknames are supposed to be shorter than a person’s actual name. She rebuts that he’s the one who first started calling her Ruthie two decades ago, so it’s his fault if she doesn’t know how to nickname properly.
“No,” I say, peering into the van, taking a closer look at the mechanics of the shelving. “Shane got invited to his boss’s place for Thanksgiving, so—”
“So he dropped you like a hot potato,” she asks, her lower lip jutting out. She looks like she’s ready to hop into the book van and run him over.
“When your boss asks you to do something like that, you do it,” I say, not necessarily because I believe it, but because that’s what he said and I feel that I should offer up a token defense for him.
“If you say so.” She blows her bangs off her face. “I don’t like that he—”
“We’re having Thanksgiving at the apartment,” I blurt. “So obviously you and Izzy should come. If you want, I mean. I know you usually go to Tank’s parents’ place. Or Jacqueline’s.”
“Jamie,” she says, rolling her eyes. “We’ve been friends since I was ten.”
“Jamie,” I correct. “Well. Anyway. It would be great if you came. And Shane won’t be there, obviously, so hopefully you won’t feel inclined to burn down the apartment.”
She studies me for a second, then says, “This was your roommate’s plan?”
I see no reason to say no. It obviously wasn’t my idea. “Yes. But I think the other guys are coming with their girlfriends.”
