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“I’m not sure why I called you,” I confess, though I know it’s a masochistic need to hear her voice.
She hesitates. “Yeah, the last time you called it didn’t go well. You broke my heart if I’m honest.”
“What?” I’m stunned. “When?”
“Um. On the plane?” Clover sighs. “You were irate. Told me to fuck off. That you never wanted to see me again.”
I pace around the room. Ashamed. Panicked. “I don’t remember.”
“Well, you sounded very, very drunk so I’m not surprised.” There isn’t judgment in her statement, for which I’m grateful. There is resignation. As if she’s used to being treated this way.
Harrison.
Fuck.
I’m mortified. “I can’t stop fucking everything up with you…”
“Joar, stop…“ She doesn’t finish her sentence, but I notice she’s dropped the “JJ.”
I laugh bitterly. Get ready to end the call. “I’m sorry to bother you. I know, I know. You’re just not that into me. I heard you loud and clear.”
“Um…hold on. Did you listen to anything I said that morning?“ Clover’s voice goes up a pitch. “Because I said no such thing, JJ. I poured my heart out. Confessed my deepest fears about getting lost in a relationship with a powerful man like you before I gave myself time to process what nine straight days of fucking meant.”
“That’s not what I took from our conversation.“ I’m petulant and, apparently, altogether obtuse. “You said you wanted space.”
Clover’s voice is tentative. “Yes, I did—do—need that space. To make sure the feelings I have for you are real. That you and I are not living in some sex-hazed fantasy.”
“My feelings are real. I fucking miss you so goddamn much.“ I grip my chest over my heart.
She sucks in a breath. “The truth is, I left something unsaid that day. I regret it—but please know I couldn’t find the words because I’m petrified…”
The silence between us lingers. My heart thunders in my chest.
“Please, sweetness. Say it,“ I all but beg her. “I’m going out of my mind. I can’t function properly. I’m a wreck.”
“I miss you so much.” She’s so quiet, I can scarcely hear her.
“Hold on for one second.” I check my settings and connect to Wi-Fi. “Let me see you. I’m FaceTiming.”
Seconds later, Clover connects and her face fills my screen. Her mouth opens to speak, but I’m too quick. “Clover you have to know you are something to me—so much. I want to give you what you need…”
She holds up her hand to shush me.
I realize I’ve steamrolled her again by interrupting. I mimic zipping my lips and look at her through the screen. Waiting for her cue.
“I’ve realized I don’t want to be your something.“ Her aqua eyes remind me of a tropical sea in the bright sunshine.
My heart stills. For a minute, I had a modicum of hope she and I had a chance. Now…
She turns her face to the sky, as if she can’t face me when she says, “I don’t want to be your something, Joar. Not when I could be your everything.”
God, doesn’t she know?
She already is.
Chapter twenty-five
Clover
