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I nod. “Yeah. It was pretty great honestly, given the short time frame she had to pull it together.”
“I knew Shay would come through. All you had to do was give her a chance.” Miles doesn’t even hide his pride.
I roll my eyes. “It’s an agenda, Miles.”
Miles regards me seriously. “Look, it hadn’t occurred to me when I gave her a job that you’d still be carrying so much animosity. Is there a way for us to talk through it before we get up there?”
“What’s there to say, Stodge?” I can’t help but wince. “I’m never going to like her. You weren’t there. What she did was...” It gives me hives to talk about Shay with Miles. My loyalty is with my best friend, but he’s put me in a shitty position. I never wanted to be in the middle of the twins, yet here I am.
He blows out a breath of frustration. “I know that night was weird. Is there any way you can give it all a rest? It was so long ago and there’s a lot you don’t know.”
“Oh really,” I drawl in utter contempt and sarcasm.
He recoils. “Fuck you.”
“Fine. That was uncalled for. I’m being a dick.“ I motion for him to continue.
“If you want me to tell you.” He pounds his palm with his fist. “But…I’ll need your word that you won’t use anything I tell you against her. I want to be honest with you, but what I’m about to say has got to be kept in the vault.”
I’m absolutely taken aback. “Jeez. It must be pretty bad.”
“I’ll repeat. I’m Dead. Fucking. Serious.” He holds out his hand. “We need to shake in sworn secrecy.”
Miles is never unnecessarily dramatic. Ever. If he’s breaking out our childhood oath, this is important to him. I grip his hand and we shake. “I promise.”
“Fine. I’m trusting you because you’re like family to me. If she finds out I’ve told you though, it’ll be…bad. Profoundly. Fucking. Bad.” He hangs his head and shakes it slowly, as if picturing a fate worse than death.
Just like that, I’m beyond the curiosity phase. I’m in the “tell me fucking now” phase. “Stodge. Seriously. I know I’ve been annoying about Shay, but anything you tell me stays between us. I don’t fuck around like that.”
“I know. Okay. So, do you remember when she was thoroughly into competing in those beauty pageants?” He pinches the bridge of his nose and glances at me.
I nod. “Yeah.”
“Well, you might remember when she quit.” Miles looks off into the distance. “She told everyone otherwise, but it was because she had a serious health scare. Her doctor put her on strong medication and it took a long time to get the correct dosage. The side effects were…rough.”
I nod my head for him to continue. “Go on.”
“The diagnosis devastated her. She was embarrassed.” He keeps eye contact with me, which I’m guessing is to gauge my reaction in real-time. “The meds made her forgetful, erratic. Extremely reactive. Shay always tried to keep it together because she didn’t want anyone to know about her condition. My family hid it from everyone. Even you.”
“Well, you did a commendable job. I never had a clue.” I don’t even try to hide my surprise. I want to ask what this mystery illness is, but I know better than to interrupt Miles when he’s in a sharing mood. His programming brain has its own train of thought.
He purses his lips. “Shay’s always been excellent at putting on a brave face. She was trained by my mom at an early age. The toddlers and tierras shit taught her how to paste on a cheery smile and hide her true self at all cost.”
I think back to that time. I was so infatuated with her and loved—and also hated—how free and unbothered she seemed to be. A relentless flirt, Shay chewed up the guys in my school and spit them out. She partied. Got into petty competitions with her friends. Ignored Miles then acted like he was the greatest brother in the world. Then there was the night she set her sights on me and…well.
I didn’t want anything to do with her brand of chaos after that. It hurt too badly.
“Yeah, well it doesn’t change anything. There’s this thing called personal responsibility.” Although Stodge’s revelation helps the pieces fit together, I’m not ready to concede. “None of what you’ve told me excuses what she did.”
Miles’s voice is tinged with sadness. “Fine. Maybe it gives you some context, though. Shay totally struggled and she doesn’t have a great recollection of her junior and senior year. She moved to LA for a fresh start. She needed to regain some of her equilibrium. Have stability.”
We drive in silence for a while, giving me headspace to think about what Miles said. As we turn up the drive up the mountainside, the dense forest gives way to glimpses of snow-covered peaks. I think about what he’s told me and find myself feeling irritated by the thread of empathy weaving its way through my body.
“There’s something else,” Miles mutters. “I might as well get it all out there.”
“Might as well,” I agree, though I dread hearing anything else about Shay that will tug at my heartstrings.
Miles furrows his brow. “As you know, the man she dated throughout college and hoped to marry dumped her in spectacular fashion a few months ago. She gave up everything to support his career and he threw her away like trash.”
