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My brain must be muddled because that didn’t cross my mind. She started a family with someone else.
“You have two sons?” I shout, a savage edge to my voice clear as it echoes around the parking lot. “You have two other sons?” She turns a vivid red. “And do they live with you?” I have so many questions. “And do they even know about me?” Blood boils in my veins.
“I don’t want them to find out.” Her eyes widen with fear.
“I’m guessing their father doesn’t know I exist either?”
She doesn’t answer. Instead, she says, “I don’t want to do this.”
They don’t know about me.
She grabs her chest as if she’s in pain.
I point at her furiously. “You don’t want to do this? You don’t want me to make you feel guilty. Is that what you don’t want me to do? Do you not want me to make you feel bad for abandoning me as a baby? Did you just think you could forget about me? Do you ever think of me?”
She stays silent.
I don’t even register in her thoughts. I never have.
In a flash, fury takes over and I can’t stop my words. “I realize that you don’t care, but you caused so much pain and hurt for me and Dad. I used to wish that I had a mom, like all the other boys in my class, and when they asked me where my mom was, I used to tell them she was on holiday. Because that’s what it was. Fucking traveling,” I scoff. “I’ve been traveling, and you and I both know the grass isn’t any greener on this side of the pond. But it looks like you discovered that. So you settled down here and started a new family. Good for you. Well done. I just hope to God you don’t emotionally mess your other two sons up too. How old are they?”
“Fifteen and thirteen,” she says through tears.
I do the math while her words are stabbing me over and over. “So around the time you stopped sending me postcards?”
“I stopped because I wanted to make a fresh start,” she cries.
“I’m so happy for you.” I fake a smile. I didn’t think I could feel any worse, but I do now. She’s just opened my wound wide and poured salt in it.
Olivia finally gives in and says the words I’ve always dreaded. “I felt trapped with you and your father. That is not the life I wanted.” She wipes her nose with the back of her hand. “I didn’t want to be stuck in a small town for the rest of my days. I wanted more. I wanted to see the world and make more of myself. Meet people, experience new things, and I could not have done that with a baby. I was seventeen. I was a baby myself and you cried all the time, and the sleepless nights,” she grumbles as if I was a burden. To her I was. “My friends went out partying when I was changing diapers. I wanted to be like them. I didn’t want a baby.” She looks disgusted.
Is this woman for real? She’s a lifetime away from anything I ever imagined.
In fact, scratch that; she’s fucking rotten to the core.
I can’t take it anymore and fire back, “But the difference is you did have one. Me. And what I needed was a mom.”
“And what I wanted was my freedom,” she spits back.
“That’s a pathetic excuse. My father was the same age as you and he may have been a boy, but he acted like a man. He stepped up while you fled.” I rub my fingers into my temples. My head is thumping.
This is not how I thought the last day of my trip would end. I wanted to spend a lovely evening with Violet, creating everlasting memories that we would cherish forever.
But this is just a fucking car crash.
I swing around to see if my girl is watching our wrecked reunion, and she is. She’s standing next to Eva and her father, her face reflecting the pain I feel.
And she heard everything Olivia had to say. Heard how unhappy she was with me and Dad, so she left but has a new family and she’s happy with them.
I’m so embarrassed.
I wasn’t enough.
An explosion of pain fills my chest with sorrow.
My face feels wet and when I explore my cheeks with my fingertips, I discover I’m crying. I wipe my face angrily with the back of my hand.
I have to end this. I will not let her decide how we move our relationship forward.
