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I push my shoulders back and stand tall. “Have it your way. You don’t want to know me. That’s fine.” I suck in a breath. “I am such an idiot. There was a small part of me that believed, maybe, just maybe, you might have wanted to meet me, to find out how I was, what I became, know if I was healthy and well.” I feel so stupid.
“And I had this picture-perfect idea of us meeting up, that you would hug me tight, share your stories with me you had experienced on your travels, then you’d tell me how sorry you were and I would forgive you for everything, and then we could move forward with our lives and maybe keep in contact.” A pang of disappointment hits me with the force of a tsunami. “But you can barely even look at me. You stepped away when I moved closer to you, so I got the memo. You don’t want to know me.” Fuck, that hurts. I bow my head and my tears fall to the ground.
“But here’s the thing. All the shit you left behind. You got dealt the same cards here as back home. You just live in a different town. But it’s the same shit. Two kids, a home you probably hate, and an ex-husband to boot. Your life is no different. You didn't change the world or go on to do great things. You became a reflection of everything you didn't want.” My chest hurts so much, but I keep going, knowing I need to get it all out.
“I was going to visit an agency back in the UK to see if they could find you for me. Part of me was excited. But after meeting you and the things you’ve just said, you’ve made me feel like such a fool.” I throw my head back and look up at the now orange and pink sky. “Fuck this and fuck you. You are dead to me.” I pull my wallet out of my pocket, angrily remove the photo of me in her arms as a baby, scrunch it up, and throw it on the ground.
I storm off, not knowing where I am going.
“Lincoln!” my dad shouts after me and I hear Violet calling my name.
But I don’t look back.
The clatter of heels move fast behind me.
“Lincoln, please.”
I stop walking.
Violet’s concerned face appears in front of me. “Please know I didn’t do this.”
“I know that now. I’m so sorry.” I can’t think straight.
She cradles my face with her hands. “I am here for you.”
For less than a day she is.
Caustic grief cripples me inside at the thought of being without Violet every day. I need her. But a vast expanse of sea will separate us come tomorrow and what will a few weeks here and there be like? All of this is so overwhelming and my chest feels heavy, as if I can’t breathe.
“I need some time alone, Violet.”
She thumbs my cheek with her softness.
“Where will you go?”
“I don’t know. I want to be by myself. Just a walk to clear my head, but I will call you later.”
Her beautiful face smiles back at me. “I love you, Lincoln.”
I nod my head. “I know.”
And I fucking love her so much it’s unbearable.
She touches the softest of kisses to my lips, but I wrap her in my arms and give her the tightest of hugs.
“I will always love you, Violet.” Then I let her go as I struggle to hold myself together, and for the next few hours I walk around in a daze.
By myself.
I’m always by myself.
Alone.
* * *
Violet
“You heard my son. Go. Find a cab and leave. I never want to see you again, Olivia,” I hear Knox say as Lincoln fades into the distance.
