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While on vacation in Athens, my grandfather fell in love with my yaya and he did everything he could to bring her back here to Scotland. He swept her off her feet and literally changed her life.
He promised her mother and father he would look after her and boy, did he do that. She has a bountiful life here. They live in the biggest house in all of Castleview Cove. She has several staff who take care of everything besides the cooking, and my grandfather tells her every day how much he loves her. He’s forever leaving love notes for her everywhere. He’s such a big soft-hearted soul.
Pulling a chair out from the table, she sits down beside me.
She tells me off for slouching and whacks me across the back of the head with the palm of her hand. She’s a stickler for manners.
I pull my shoulders back and sit up straight.
“So what are you doing tonight, huh?” Her nose takes a scornful tilt.
“Going home.”
“But it’s a Saturday night. Are you not going out with the boys?”
I sigh. “Not tonight.”
“Lincoln, my darling boy.” I’ve always loved how she rolls her Rs when she calls me her darling boy. “What are we going to do with you?” She ruffles my hair.
I shake my head and throw my fork down on the plate. It makes an almighty clatter when it hits the fine china.
“I can’t do this.” I push the palms of my hands into my eyes as an odd rush of emotion I’ve been holding in finally breaks the dam. “I feel so lost.”
Warm arms envelop me as she pulls me into her chest. “Let it all out, my boy. You have a heart and this is why you feel such true and pure emotion. Just let it all go.”
“I don’t want to feel like this anymore.” I sob in her arms.
“You don’t have to hide your pain.” She rocks me slowly while I have my breakdown.
Violet was the first person I actually felt like I could be myself around. She didn’t care about my flaws and she saw me for who I truly was. I miss the way she kissed me and the way she would hold me.
“I messed everything up.”
“You did.” My yaya is anything but subtle and she’s always honest, sometimes too much.
Everything hurts. From my heart to my head, I feel exhausted. The weight of my heart feels too heavy to carry around.
But I only have myself to blame.
It’s breaking over the self-inflicted loss of Violet and for losing my mother all over again. It’s a double blow of grief I’m not emotionally equipped for. I need therapy.
Or Violet. I need her; she made me feel grounded and whole, a feeling I hadn’t truly realized I was missing until I found her.
“Come now. Sit up and look at me.” She cradles my face and wipes my wet cheeks.
I force a half smile.
“Stop pretending everything is okay, Lincoln.”
“I feel like skatá.”
“You look like it too.” She pulls a half laugh from me. “My gorgeous boy.” She pats my cheek twice. “You are so very handsome. Just like your father.”
“I’m so glad I don’t look like my mom.”
“Hey now. Stop that. It took two people to make you and you have her to thank for you being here. Even if she is not here now, part of her will live on in you forever. She is part of you, and you are part of her. You cannot rewrite history or your DNA.”
I’ve never thought about it in that way before.
