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Violet stays silent for a few moments, sipping her coffee, and I can tell she's gearing up to ask me something.
“Can I ask you about your mom?”
I knew it.
“Yeah, but there isn’t much to tell. I told you pretty much everything I know at our team building day.”
She turns around to face me, tucking her bronzed legs underneath herself on the couch.
Her wet hair is plastered back, and she’s wearing an oversized pastel lilac tee shirt and booty shorts. I like how she can be her natural self around me and I love how she always wears loads of purple clothes to match her name. It’s cute.
“So you have never met your mom? Ever?”
“Nope. I don’t know where she stays and she might not even be alive.” That’s the first time it’s crossed my mind, and it doesn't sit well with me. “Can you pass my coffee, please?” I don’t want to disturb Pom-pom.
Our fingers touch as she carefully places the mug in my hand, and when she rests back against the sofa, a puff of her fresh scent of sparkling pear fills the air. I must ask her what perfume she wears.
I take a large sip of the hot nectar and rest the mug under my chin. I need all the caffeine courage I can get if we are having this conversation.
“Have you ever thought about finding her?”
“I have.” But it was a fleeting moment. “She traveled a lot. I’m not sure she would be easy to locate.”
“Do you want to locate her?”
I shake my head. “That's a hard question to answer. I feel like I would be betraying my father.”
“Have you told him you might like to find her?”
“Never.”
“Do you think he would object?”
“My father is a very levelheaded guy. He would be hurt, I think, but he wouldn’t hold me back, if that’s what I wanted to do.” I find the next part very difficult to say. “You also have to remember that she never returned to Scotland to visit me. Not once. I’m not sure she wants to be found.”
Violet’s hand finds my shoulder, and she gives it a gentle rub.
“But like I said before, I’m fine.” An episode of heartburn is coming on. I touch my chest.
“Like me with my sister. Fine.”
I roll my head to meet her gaze.
“Straight-up, no-nonsense talk? Can I share something that I haven’t shared with anyone before?”
“Yeah.” Her eyes flash with curiosity.
“Deep down, I would like to find and talk to her and perhaps discover where she went after she left us. What she did with her life, what her passion is, her hobbies. I’d love to know where she is now. Sit her down and honestly ask her if she ever loved me at all. Ask her if she ever thinks about me.” That hurts to say out loud and nerves slam against the walls of my stomach. “But what if she rejects me again? What if I find her and she didn’t want to be found? I’m not sure my heart could take it.” I don’t mean to say the last part out loud.
“Oh, Linc.” Violet moves in closer and cups my face. “I’m so sorry.”
“If I went looking for her, it would either make or break me. I’m not prepared either way. It’s best left alone, I think.”
“Would you not want to make peace or find closure?”
“Yes and no. It seems like the easier choice to keep everything as is and not to go looking for unanswered questions. There is this niggle inside of me, though, that tells me to find her. Almost like she’s the missing key to this unsettled feeling I often have. It comes in waves. I’ve never told anyone about it. You’re the first.” I don’t know why I am telling her.
“What kind of feeling?”
