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Lorna talks us through a guided visualization to reinforce how incredible our bodies are, having us repeat positive fertility affirmations.
It’s an out of body trance-like experience I’ve never felt before, making me feel like I’m flying through a vortex of colors. As a pro athlete, I've read every book on positive mental imagery and how to reprogram your mind for success. Having a busy mind that’s constantly wired, I found meditation difficult. Today’s session with Lorna has changed my mind. I feel like every nerve ending is switched on and yet chilled out.
This is unlike anything Lily and I have ever tried before. Lorna’s complementary therapy focuses on our mind and body, rather than pumping more hormones into Lily’s system.
“5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Slowly, open your eyes and look at each other.” She pauses to let us find our bearings. “Now, tell me the first thing that comes into your mind, Lily.”
“I failed,” she replies, the shock of her words pierces my heart.
“Why do you think you failed?” Lorna’s calm voice pushes her to be more specific.
“Get married, have kids. Like most of our friends. I feel like I failed to make that happen.”
“Ash. Do you agree with Lily?”
“No.” I shake my head. “I feel like I failed you.”
“You didn’t fail me, Ash.” With sadness in her eyes, she reaches over and places her hand in mine. “I feel like we waited too long to try for a family because my hockey career blew up. I was never around, and you immersed yourself in your business to keep yourself busy. I feel responsible,” I say the words I've bottled up for years.
Lily’s shoulders begin to shake. “It’s nothing like that, Ash. I think my body is faulty.” Her voice cracks. “I’m broken. My body didn’t do what it’s biologically supposed to.” The tears she’s been holding in begin to choke her.
Desperate to give her comfort, I pull her toward me. Within seconds, her legs are wrapped around my waist and her arms hold my neck as if I’m her lifeline.
Cross legged on the floor, Lily sobs as I hold her tightly in my lap and rock her gently back and forth.
“Let it all out, Lily.” Lorna encourages her to release the emotion that’s been building for years.
Saying the words we have never said out in the open to each other has been more harrowing than I was prepared for. I didn’t know she felt like this.
“I know there is more to us than having a family, Ash. Your hockey legacy will live on forever.” Struggling to catch a breath, Lily trembles in my arms. “I’ve just always wanted a family.”
“I know.” I run my hand up and down her back as she nuzzles into my neck, soaking my skin with her tears.
“Lily, could you look at Ash for me, sweetheart?” I almost forgot Lorna was here.
My throat closes with despair when she does. Her pain matches mine and I would do anything to take it all away. No amount of fame or fortune can do that.
“Repeat after me, both of you.” Lorna’s steady voice instructs us with quiet emphasis.
I kiss Lily’s forehead, then the tip of her nose.
“Our bodies work in harmony,” Lorna says.
We repeat every mantra.
“We trust our bodies.”
“We are a team.”
“We are in this together.”
“Our bodies are magical.”
“We are worthy of a family.”
We repeat dozens of affirmations, our confidence and smiles growing wider with each one.
I feel an unexpected shift between us, bringing us closer together.
