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“I’ve never cheated on you.” Angry now, he roars, tears flowing down his face, his nostrils wet from crying, fear oozing out of him like molten lava.
Dropping the blanket in the wicker chair, I push my feet into my shoes. My heart thumping in my chest, I know if I don’t leave now, we’ll both continue to drift even further apart than we are now.
“I think I just need some time away from this house.” Away from the loneliness I feel coming home to it. I miss him being here. His face, his love, his warmth. I miss him coming into our bed every night. Away from him, I’ll be even more lonely, but at least I won’t feel the disappointment of being let down yet again.
“You’re not leaving.” He moves at speed and throws his arms around me. Tight. “You’re not leaving,” he repeats, his voice cracking and breathless. “You can’t go. Please don’t go, Lily.” His hand on the back of my head, he holds me close, so close I can hear his heart sounding like it’s bursting out of his chest.
I explode into a blubbering mess as uncontrollable tears spring from behind my eyes. Like a breaking dam, I can’t stop them as I sob into his shoulder.
“If one of us isn’t willing to give anything up, then how is this ever going to work?” I splutter and stutter between sobs. “Everything is against us.”
“I can’t lose you.” Ash’s fingers cup the back of my neck. “You’re the only thing I got right.”
I shake my head, disagreeing with him. He’s wrong. Angry with myself, I push his shoulders to break free and wipe my nose with the back of my hand. “I’m the one thing you got wrong, Ash.”
“Don’t say that.” His voice is raised and my heart speeds up because we never fight like this. Not ever.
“I’m not the one for you.” My words slice my heart wide open, obliterating it.
“You are the only one for me.” Bellowing, his voice travels far into the darkness of the night. “You are the one.” He points at me, the thick veins in his neck protruding from his neck, his pulse pounding wildly. “Don’t fucking do this.” The rising redness in his skin moves from his neck up to his face.
I hang my head in shame, feeling lost and so goddamn lonely. I don’t want him to be mad at me and I don’t want to feel sad. “I just can’t do this anymore, Ash. I need you and you’re never around. We don’t go to the theater anymore or hiking like we used to. We do nothing together as a couple. I work. You work.” I pause. “But together we’re not working.”
Frantically, he lifts his phone off the table that he dropped with shock earlier. “I’ll quit my job.”
“You’re under contract, so you know that’s impossible. And you love your job.” I lunge forward to grab his phone, trying to stop him from doing something irrational, but he holds it up high so I can’t reach it.
He cups my face, emotion pouring from him. “I love you more. Tell me what you want from me.”
I can’t think of anything because honestly, I think I just need space. To think and get my head straight.
He turns his back on me and madly taps on his phone, then spins back around. “Done. I quit.”
In shock, I plonk my ass back on the chair behind me. “No,” I whisper. “That’s not what I want. You will resent me for making you quit. I can’t let you do that. You know the NHL is who you are.”
He ignores me. “Next. A fertility specialist. Who’s the best?”
“Ash,” I plead, but he continues to ignore me, obsessed with searching for answers on his phone. I say his name again to get his attention.
“There is one in New York. We’ll go tomorrow.”
I rub my forehead as a headache threatens to make an appearance. “I won’t go.”
“Isn’t that what you want?” Determined, eyes glazed, he holds his hands out to the side of him. “What else?” He sounds desperate as he tries to fix our mess of a marriage.
I stand and shout at him because he won’t listen otherwise. “Listen to me. I will not go through IVF again. My body doesn’t want to have a baby. We both know it and I don’t have it in me to go through another cycle.” Holding my stomach, the phantom pains of the injections from last time around still linger. “That’s not what I want.”
“Well, what the hell do you want?” Sounding defeated, his voice drops.
I cover my face with my hands. “I don’t know.” Bawling noisily, I cry into them. “I just don’t want to feel like I have no one to turn to anymore.”
“You have me.” His voice is thick with emotion.
Dropping my hands from my face, I look into his eyes, not caring that I have snot and hot tears running down my face. “I don’t,” I let out with a sad sigh. “It’s late when you come in from work, and your job is so demanding that you’re always exhausted. If I've had a shitty day, I keep that to myself so I don’t add to your stress levels. When I get up, you’re usually already gone. An empty glass in the sink is the only evidence that you’ve been here. I come home, you’re not here. I watch television by myself with my laptop open and work so I can distract myself from the loneliness that fills this empty house. Our friends all have kids, so they are a big no-no for weeknights out and don’t think I haven’t noticed them leaving me out of their mom chats. I know that Candy is pregnant again, by the way, because one of the girls at work told me.” Yeah, that hurt more than I thought it would.
“She didn’t want to upset you.” He lowers his voice, and I can’t tolerate the pity in his eyes, so I look away.
“I am upset. She should have told me.” Using the cuffs of my sweater, I wipe my eyes again and walk over to the table and chair set that’s more like an ornament than furniture.
