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Clare really surprised me then, because she just shrugged. “I thought I was madly in love with Ralph when we met, but now… I wonder if it was just infatuation. I don’t really feel very much for him now. That sounds awful, I know, but it’s the truth.”
I sighed. “I’m sorry, Clare.”
“You know I was worried that we weren’t having sex?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, it’s worse than that now. Now I worry that he will want to have sex. I’ve started wearing huge PJs to put him off. Not that he’s on, he’s more interested in his phone than me - but just in case.”
It was my turn to stop then and look right at her.
Her eyes flickered away from mine for a moment, but then she met my gaze. “I know,” she said. “It’s time we had the talk.”
“I’m sorry,” I said again.
There were tears in her eyes. “Why does everything have to turn so fucking shit in the end?” she cried suddenly, viciously.
I startled and gestured at Mads.
“Oh, sorry,” she said quickly, smiling. “Why does everything have to turn out so mommy-and-daddy’s-special-cuddle poo poo?’
Well, we couldn’t help bursting out laughing at that. “Urgh, mommy-and-daddy’s-special-cuddle?” I repeated. “I have never heard such a horrible way of describing you-know-what in my life!”
Clare laughed a little and wiped away her tears. “Neither have I! Sorry, that was totally gross! Anyway, happy things… Have you and Alex had any more hot you-know-what yet?”
As we walked along, I told her that for over a week Alex and I had only seen each other briefly, fully-clothed and in company, as I didn’t have childcare for Maddy, and I’d been busy with Kayla too. And anyway, for the last two days he’d been out of state on a photo shoot in the Colorado mountains for the sunglasses brand he endorsed.
“So, no more hot you-know-what,” I finished, “although I am looking forward to him getting back tonight, and to Kayla being picked up by her mom’s PA at dinner time, and to Maddy being so tired out from all the fresh air that she sleeps right through the night…”
“Ooooh, sounds like it’s all going to be onnnnnn later!” said Clare gleefully.
“Maybe,” I said. “Hopefully.” Perhaps I’d give the red dress another outing, even just in the apartment…
Clare stepped out of the way so a jogger could get by, and then we spent a while feeding the ducks with Maddy.
We started walking along again, admiring the beautiful houseboats moored up in a row by the tow path. “And have you told the fam?” Clare asked then. “How does Kayla feel? Has your dad put out a contract or will he be murdering Alex himself?”
I laughed, but a wave of anxiety went through me too. I told her we were keeping things to ourselves, just for the moment. We lapsed into happy silence, as you can with really good friends, and, as we walked along, I wondered how Kayla would respond when we told her about us.
Kayla was at an art workshop Alex had booked for her that morning – I’d dropped her off there and had to coax her out of the car with the promise of burgers for lunch on the way home. I’d pick her up on my way back from seeing Clare and take her through the drive-thru. Alex had been concerned that Kayla was just hanging around the apartment all summer. When he’d pressed her about making arrangements with her friends, going to the mall and the movies and things, she’d snapped at him and then sulked in her room, so he’d had me book her into some activities to, quote, “Keep Clarissa off my back.” Things were obviously still pretty tricky between those two, which was another can of worms we’d have to get into.
Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad, telling Kayla – we were growing closer every day, and she’d given me lots of help with the magazine, writing an amazing eco feature about planting in everything from old drawers to washed-out cans with veggies and herbs. She was going to take the pictures in her garden, as the apartment communal one was currently just a patch of bare earth that needed turfing. And with Maddy, I didn’t even let myself think about how my father would react. I wanted to enjoy the visit with Clare, and the rest of the day, and my daydreams and thoughts about Alex.
Every so often I would find myself drifting into a reverie about him – his smile, his body, the great sex and even his grumpiness, which I’d now decided was cute and endearing.
* * *
Later in the day, while Maddy was down for her nap, Kayla and I tackled the upcycling project I’d promised to help her with. I was looking forward to it as much as she was, and we’d been down to the decorating store the day before, taking Maddy to the park on the way, to choose the paint she’d like. She went for a gorgeous deep purple in the end. She’d learned so much about natural paints for her feature, she really impressed the store assistant, Jamila. I knew Jamila from my many trips there over the last couple of years when I’d had my store. It was the best place in all of Buffalo to get paint and supplies.
I’d loved seeing Kayla’s eyes light up when we’d gone in, and how she’d grown an inch when Jamila had said that her knowledge was excellent, her passion was obvious and that she should come and see them when she wanted a weekend job in a few years. I’d introduced her as simply ‘Kayla’, but in my head I’d imagined myself saying, This is Kayla, my stepdaughter. I’d smiled to myself and shaken the thought away. One step at a time, Mary-Beth. But huh, so much for my big I’m a single lady independence thing and waiting for a relationship until Maddy was at school. But then, something like this happened when it happened, and it didn’t care what your life plan was.
One step at a time.
And the next step was telling Kayla. Not now, though. Not with Alex away, of course. What I hadn’t thought about was that she might have something she wanted to tell me. But that’s exactly what happened. As we sanded the desk down to get more key for the undercoat, she asked, “Did you have fun with Clare this morning?”
“Yes, it was great, thanks. I smiled at her and added, “Thank you for asking.” Under the curtain of hair, the scowl she usually wore unless she was with Maddy and the attitude she gave her dad, she was a really good kid.
“And the art workshop was…?”
