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“You’re what?!”
I looked him straight in the eyes. “He’s my boyfriend.”
He laughed. Actually laughed. “Don’t be ridiculous, young lady.” Yep, he said young lady.
I pursed my lips. “You sound like a dad.”
“I am your dad. And I’m telling you, that stops right now.”
“I’m twenty-two, you can’t tell me what to do.”
“I can, and I will.” He’d stopped eating, and even though his phone vibrated and lit up, he didn’t touch it. I had his attention, at last.
“You can’t and you won’t,” I said calmly. I found a strong inner power from somewhere, fueled by my anger.
He sighed. “How could Alex do this to me?”
I gasped – unbelievable! “Jesus, men. Why do you think everything is about you? This had nothing to do with you!” It’s lucky the place was full and loud, because I was now yelling. “All you’ve ever done is criticize me and judge me. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you. You haven’t helped out at all with Maddy – you’re not even interested in seeing her, or me, for that matter. Do you know how much that hurts me? Your own granddaughter, and you don’t even care!”
Maddy chose that moment to launch a cucumber stick covered in drool at him. Go, daughter.
He just stared at me, looking astonished. At that moment, a couple from a nearby table, leaving with their three kids, stopped to say happy birthday to Maddy. Dad, being the superficial, smarmy asshole that he was, instantly turned on the charm and chatted to them, as if he were part of our family.
Which he was not. No, my family was me and Maddy, plus Chip and Mom, who’d raised us well with almost no input from him – just a ton of affairs, criticism and heartache. And Clare was like a sister to me. Maybe one day it would include Alex and Kayla as well. Maybe not. I wasn’t going to tell Dad what a mess that all was right now. He didn’t deserve access to my inner feelings.
“End it,” he said firmly. And then he started eating his salad again, like everything was fine. He’d never been there for me growing up. For once, I was going to leave him. Abandon him.
“Enjoy your damn salad,” I said, hauling Maddy from the highchair. She started wailing, and I jogged her up and down on my hip. “And by the way, you missed her birthday.”
He put down his knife and fork and stood up. “I’ll go,” he said. “You shouldn’t have to. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” And with that he put a fifty on the table and left.
* * *
A few angry tears escaped as Dad left, but I’d managed to compose myself a few minutes after he’d gone. The lovely atmosphere and kind staff really lifted my mood. Maddy got back to her coloring and we were brought a free dessert and treated to a rousing chorus of happy birthday by the staff and patrons.
By the time I got back to the apartment, I was feeling better about things. It may not have been the prettiest scene in the world, but I’d stood up to my father – at last – and I’d let him know how I really felt about him. I’d been feeling that way since I was about Kayla’s age, but I’d always retreated and blamed myself for not being good enough, or worthy enough of his love.
It felt amazing to have given it to him, both barrels, especially when it came to Maddy. Maybe I hadn’t stood up for myself in the past, but I planned to from now on. And I would always stand up for her, one hundred percent. She deserved better than this, and if Dad couldn’t step up, I’d stop torturing myself by wishing that he was different, or that he was in our lives more.
Caleb was on my hit list too, for a talking to. He needed to step up and make an effort. He was no help with Maddy, not really. If anything, he just made things harder for me, and for her. I was sick of his flakiness, and of him not sticking to Maddy’s routine. I’d left a voicemail for him while I was having an after-dinner cappuccino at Smokey Joe’s. Maddy was so happy there I’d decided to treat myself and stay as long as I could. I’d asked for a meeting, just him and me, when Maddy was with Mom or Clare. Or Kayla or Alex. Maybe.
I came in the door of the apartment about nine-thirty and went straight to my room, transferring the sleeping Maddy from my arms to her cot. I didn’t want to talk to Alex, not that night. I was still so upset about everything – mainly that I’d betrayed Kayla so badly, even while trying to do the right thing.
Maddy was fractious and woke after only an hour of so – perhaps the dessert had messed up her digestion a little. I was usually so strict about giving her a really pure diet. The damn cappuccino kept me awake too, and I couldn’t sleep even when she did finally settle again at about four a.m.. I got some water from the bathroom tap, though, and eventually soothed Maddy without going to get her another bottle. I didn’t want to risk running into Alex in the kitchen. I just didn’t have the capacity for any more self-centered bullshit from him. Tomorrow would be soon enough for that.
* * *
I was like a bear with a sore head in the morning. The kitchen was going into the apartment below Alex’s and the fitter was making pretty free with the angle grinder for eight a.m., which just added to my terrible mood. Alex was in the kitchen making toast at the counter when I got in there, but I didn’t scurry out again. Now was as good a time as any to face him.
“Your dad called me,” he said, without turning around.
“Good morning to you too,” I snapped.
“He also messaged about ten times. I haven’t replied yet. I thought I’d give him a chance to cool down.”
“More importantly, have you heard from Kayla?” I said sharply. I filled the kettle and flicked it on.
He turned then, and I saw that he looked tired and stressed too. Maybe he hadn’t slept either.
