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“And what would be enough?” She challenged.
“Solving these murders, setting things right.”
“Even if we don’t figure out who is committing these crimes, you’ll still have done your job. That’s a fact, Vera. Doing your job doesn’t mean omniscience or omnipotence. All you can do is your best.”
Her shoulders shook with an unsteady inhale. “I don’t think my best is good enough anymore.” Vera believed those words, Teddi could see it through the fear in her eyes.
“Vera,” she cupped her jaw. “You have always known who you are. Sure, at times you struggle to find your way just like everyone else, but you always get there in the end. Your tenacity and commitment to step up don’t fade away. You’re knocked down but you’re not out. Do you hear me?”
Vera broke. The tremble of her chin gave way to a single tear. “How do you know?”
“How do I know the sun is going to rise tomorrow? Or that when I step outside of this creepy motel room that forest will still surround us?” She shook her gently. “I know you. I know you better than I know anyone else. Whatever happened in D.C. can’t take that away. It can’t take you away.”
Vera grabbed her, wrapping her arms around her as she trembled. Tucking her face into Teddi’s neck, she inhaled deeply as more tears fell.
“It’s all I have. It’s all I’ve worked for. I can’t lose it and it’s slipping through my fingers. Everything is slipping away.” On a sob she pulled Teddi tighter, their upper bodies mashed together.
“How do you know?” The smell of lemon invaded Teddi’s senses as she rubbed a hand down her hair.
“There are things that happened, things I can’t even… I can’t even say them out loud. But it happened while I was undercover with that cult. I was in deep. Neck-deep and the assignment… those people.” She shuddered. “You don’t understand, Teddi. You don’t know what I know now.” Her voice became thick as she gripped Teddi’s shirt in her fists.
Teddi held back the hundreds of questions that bubbled up. Not to mention the heart-pounding fear at realizing just how dangerous Vera’s job was. Ximena didn’t know how bad it was or she wouldn’t have slept in the last seven years. Neither of them would have.
“I didn’t understand for the longest time. I didn’t get that there is no real end. There is no justice. These people, these killers, and rapists and criminals just crop up over and over and they never really die. They’re just reinvented. Cut off the head and two more are born. They never suffer in return for the suffering that they cause.”
Teddi forced her to pull back, holding her face as she found her eyes full of rage swallowed up in tears. “Who, Vera?” Teddi shook her, desperate to understand what put that kind of anger inside of her. What had touched her? “What the fuck happened? I’m not your boss, I’m not your sister and I’m sure as hell not someone who is going to tell what is shared here in this room between us. You know that. You know me.”
“I… ” Vera started and then looked away. “I thought I understood how it all worked. I thought that if I just did what I was supposed to do then the bad guys lost. They were locked up or held responsible. They would be stopped. That’s why I signed up to do my job, do you get that?”
“I get it. That’s who you are, you’ve always fought for the underdog—” Vera shook her head so hard hair clung to the tears on her cheek.
“No. No. I realized that it’s all bullshit. There is no consequence good enough for what they do. No prison sentence can bring back a stolen sister. No injection can heal the wound of violence so powerful it alters someone’s brain chemistry. Or make someone so terrified of the world that they lock themselves inside their home as they slowly die, day by day, haunted by memories. There. Is. No. Justice.”
A small sound came out of Teddi. She didn’t have words for the lost look in her eyes. For the anguish in her words.
“Early on I was part of a task force that went after human traffickers pushing victims across D.C. I went undercover to help facilitate buying the girls. I gathered intel and I was good. I was so good at my job, Teddi. I did everything by the book. Fresh out of training and so fucking eager to make a difference. I got every scrap of evidence I could and do you know what happened?”
Teddi shook her head infinitesimally.
“The ring leader walked. Nine violent traffickers in prison and the one,” her finger shot up, her wounds a mix of red and purple. “The one that ran the whole goddamn thing got out unscathed. He walked and he’s never been caught again. I tried to fight it. I figured this was one time, right? This was a one-off where the bad guy got free through some loophole I hadn’t anticipated.” Her voice turned rough. “But it wasn’t just him. So many times I found myself watching these people get away with horrific crimes. Things that keep me up at night and they’re out there, walking around, free from what they’ve done. I colored inside the lines and they walked. Over and over they would slip out between the laws and go free. I did everything within my minuscule power to stop them, but it’s like a leak you can never plug. A dribble that finds its way inside until everything is sopping wet and ruined.”
Teddi’s words were gentle as she tried to pull truth out of the mountain of pain laid out before her. “And that’s wrong, the system isn’t built the way it should be. We both know that. But you know that’s how it works. That’s how it has always worked. That’s the difference between us and them. You catch who you can and do what you can. You’re not superhuman and you’re not the law, Vera. It isn’t your responsibility to stop every single one of them. You can’t.”
“Why not?”
At some point in time, Vera knelt and pulled the weight of the world onto her shoulders. And it didn’t belong there any more than this killer had a right to take the lives of those men.
“Because it’s not your job. We chip away at them, bit by bit. That’s how we make a difference in the long run. It’s a collective effort in which every person counts towards the whole. That’s why you joined the Bureau. You weren’t some rogue agent but a team member who contributed to the bigger picture that once drove you toward it. You can’t save everyone and maybe,” she lifted her chin, forcing her to meet her gaze. “Maybe the only person you need to save here is you. And that’s more than enough.”
A part of her looked like she wanted to believe until something else pushed it aside. Fear. Strangling, debilitating fear so evident it shook her voice. Teddi had seen that look on her own face once upon a time. For months after she took one of her first cases with Mackey, she'd been haunted. A mother who lost custody of her only daughter hired OIA to trail her ex-husband, who had full custody. A simple investigation turned to blood within the blink of an eye. It was unprecedented and the likes of which they hadn't seen since. The senseless murder of a daughter by her rage-filled father stuck with a person. Sometimes she thought she could still hear that final wheeze escape out of the little girl before she went limp in her arms.
“I can’t keep going in this sea of grey. That’s all my world has turned into. Shades upon shades of grey that I don’t understand. I can’t live in this color, in this space. I can’t survive in it. Can’t breathe in it. I feel like one wrong move and I’m going to disappear. Like I’m going to break.” Her grip on her shoulders became nearly painful. “Please, let me take care of Alex. I’m begging you to please let me take care of him and find who hurt him because it’s the only thing that makes sense anymore. This is something I understand. It’s something I can control.”
“Vera,” she murmured her name as her heart broke apart for the woman she still loved. The woman who was so scarred by a past she was too afraid to say it out loud. What she meant about justice not existing, she didn’t know. Vera held a narrow view of honor. She always had. It was the black-and-white thinking of that view that held her together. But the colors were always muddled, making sense to Teddi. Whatever had shaken Vera’s trust had done so to the core of her existence. This wasn’t just the aftermath of a job, this was a division of her entire belief system crumbling beneath her.
“Alright.” Pulling her into a tight hug, a broken sound came out of Vera. “We’ll talk to Mackey and buy ourselves some time. We’re not giving up on Alex.” Vera squeezed back. “You’re not alone. Whatever happened we’ll figure it out together. We’ll put it back together, I promise.”
“What if we can’t?” She hated how small her voice was.
