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"How are you and Jonas doing, Janey?" Holly asks. Threads of curiosity and worry lace her tone.
Reluctantly, I tear my eyes from my husband, and look at Holly. I open my mouth to say fine. To tell her that we're blissfully happy. What comes out instead is. "I don't know. He terrifies me. He's so honest about his feelings. I don't want to hurt him. And he's so sexy and I'm worried this is going to blow up in our faces."
The women all exchange glances, and I get it. This is not me. I'm the calm one. I'm the one everyone else talks to about their problems. I don't flip out. It's easy for me to be the calm in the storm when other people need me, but my own worries and fears are a lot harder to handle.
"I think you need to spill. What's happening? I thought after the bathroom incident on your wedding day, you were feeling better about things,” Evie says.
"I was. I am." I groan and slap my hand over my eyes.
"What are you so afraid of? Jonas seems totally hooked. So is the problem on your side?"
I drop my hands and push at my cuticles as my thoughts whirl. "What if he only thinks he loves me?"
"Don't do that," Maya says fiercely, glaring at me. "Just because he has autism doesn't mean he isn't capable of knowing what he's feeling." The vehemence in her tone shocks me a bit.
"I never thought that," I say quietly, waiting until her body wilts back into the couch. "We don't know each other. I've spent more time with you Maya, than I have with Jonas. He doesn't truly know me. He can't. It hasn't been long enough. His feelings haven’t been based on knowing the real me.”
"Cara told me he's been watching you for months," Holly says.
"And he's been talking about you for a long time too," Maya says. "I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions. I hate when people do that to me."
"It's okay. You and Jonas seem to get along really well. You're protective of him. But that's exactly my point. You guys are friends. Jonas and I aren't."
"What are you really afraid of?" a disembodied voice asks.
We all scream. It says something about this chaotic nature of this group, that other than looking at us briefly, the men don’t react. I press my hand against my chest, then peer over the back of the couch to find Becca laying flat on the floor holding one...dog slipper...clutched tightly to her chest. She grins and waves the slipper at me. "Shh...turn around and pretend I'm not here. Also...what are you really afraid of? You're dancing around it, lady."
I spin back around. "What is happening?" I whisper, holding myself really still. What is she doing back there? "This is weird right?"
The other women are laughing, but don't seem nearly as spooked. Just then, Zach walks across the dining room, also in a plaid onesie that matches Maya’s, wearing one dog slipper. He looks grumpy, as he peers under tables and in drawers. "Where the fuck did she put it," he mumbles to himself.
Maya, notorious for losing her shoes, can't resist. "Honey, did you lose something? You need some help finding it?"
Zach scowls but clearly sees an opportunity. "Becca stole my slipper," he says in a whining voice. He extends his arms and makes grabby hands at Maya, who laughs, and with a small wave goodbye, joins him. He wraps her up, and even from here I can hear his whispered, "Why don't we check the bedroom. Maybe it's under the covers or something." She laughs and curls into him, and they head for the elevator. Obviously, another quickie is on the horizon.
As soon as they're out of sight, Becca pops up, and climbs over the back of the couch to sit in Maya's old spot. "I really thought one of you might rat me out. It's good to know I can count on you when the going gets tough." She waves the slipper, chuckling at the flappy tongue, then flings it over her head. It smacks somewhere on the floor behind us. "So, what kind of shit is running through your head? How are you planning to sabotage this thing with Jonas?"
I wish Maya were back.
I don't really know these women that well. Maya and Cara work at Brash, so we've spent a bunch of time together. Other than a few self-defense classes, I haven't spent time with Evie, Holly and Becca. And Becca had a whole different energy there, very warm and nurturing.
This version? The in-your-face call-it-like-it-is version is a lot to get used to.
"That's a little harsh Becca," Holly says, frowning at her. "Not everyone has it all figured out."
"What is there to figure out? You have a sexy man wanting to get all up in your business. What is the problem?"
Evie snorts, and takes a sip of her wine before going back to rubbing Holly's feet. "Yeah, what is the problem? Cause if a guy wants you, shouldn't you just believe everything will be okay, and go for it?" She shakes her head at Becca. "We can't all be you. You knew what you wanted, and you went for it. And maybe, you didn't have the same kind of baggage some of us walked in there with."
Becca curls her feet under her and crosses her arms over her chest. "What baggage are we talking about? I had some insecurities with Kade, but I got over them."
I sit up straighter. "What kind of insecurities?" The idea that this strong, slightly crazy woman ever had insecurities makes me feel better.
She shrugs and catches Kade's eye across the room. "Baby. Beer me, please," she yells, blowing kisses at him. He grins and heads to the kitchen as she turns back to me. "Yea, I didn't think I'd fit into his life. I'm a no shoes, beer in my hand, backyard cookout kind of person. I might have had a panic attack or two when I thought about the kind of life Kade might live. Thinking about fancy dinners and dressing up all the time...I just couldn't see it."
"So, how did you work through it?"
"He yelled at me and said the word 'gala' a whole lot. Eventually, I decided being with him would be worth it."
