Page 86 of Jonas

"And now that Jonas is offering you that happy ending?" Cara snickers at Maya's words, but sobers when Maya glares at her.

"And now that Jonas is offering her that happy ending, she can't bring herself to hope," Cara says.

"Hope. I never really thought about it like that. I've never really hoped for much. I just tried to find happiness in the little things. Like a cozy bed on a cold night, or my favorite meal. It's really not about the sex, honestly."

Cara hums knowingly. "It's about everything else that comes with the sex, right? The vulnerability."

I nod, because she's right. Being vulnerable is a scary thing. "Yeah. I thought for a while I could keep myself from falling in love with him if I kept my distance."

"But that didn't work?"

I smile and shake my head. "I'm awful at puzzles." Maya and Cara's eyebrows raise at the sudden topic change. "My brain just can't do it," I explain. "But Jonas loves them, so over the holidays I'd sit with him. At first, I was embarrassed about how bad I was, but Jonas just seemed so happy to have me doing them with him. And I got better. Suddenly, all the pieces I needed seemed to be easy to spot. It got really fun." I snort out a laugh, thinking of how long it took me to figure it out. "That man finds the pieces I need, and puts them right in front of me, and it took me all week to notice. He just does it so matter of factly, never says a word. It's...lovely. He's lovely."

"So you're completely in love with him," Maya says, grinning.

I nod. "He cares about how I feel. He remembers all these little details about me, like my favorite drink, and he just...I don't know how to explain it."

"He sees you," Cara says quietly. "He loves you, so he sees you. He pays attention. He does things for your happiness. And you've never had that before."

"No, I haven't." My hands clench into fists. "I'm going to ruin this, and I'm so angry about it. I don't know how to be loved like this. I don't know how to handle being treated well. Like I matter. I keep thinking he's made a mistake. Or that he's going to wake up one morning and realize he doesn't actually love me. I feel like I have to be perfect all the time."

Cara leans forward, sympathy on her face. "Honey, you have to talk to Jonas about this."

"I already did."

Her eyes fly wide in surprise. "Wait...so what did he say?"

"To be myself with him. And if we don't work, at least we know we tried."

"Okay. I guess that makes sense. So what's the problem?" Maya asks.

"The problem is I've fallen for him, and I don't want it to fail. I want to hang on as tight as I can, and do everything I can to keep him happy. To keep him loving me."

Maya shoots Cara a look. Worry creases both of their eyes. "And by 'everything you can', you mean what exactly?"

I drop my head into my hands. "I don't even know anymore. I'm not making sense."

"Janey," Maya says, waiting for me to raise my head. "This is not sustainable. And it's going to end very badly, if you do what I think you're doing. You can't change yourself to make someone else happy. I tried and it did not work. Zach loves me, flaws and all. And I really didn't believe he could, until I showed him my worst and I realized he was telling the truth." She slides to the edge of the desk, and wraps her hands around the edge. "Show him who you are. Show him everything that makes you you, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised."

I unravel my braid, and re-braid it into three smaller braids. Cara and Maya's eyes bore into the top of my head.

"Janey," Cara says flatly. "I have known Jonas for a while. When you become one of his people, he sticks. He's not going anywhere, not by his own choice. But if you push him away too hard, you will lose him. He has a lot of pride. He's not going to chase you forever. I don't think he can."

My chest tightens. I've been so worried about losing him, I never really considered the possibility that I might be pushing him away. That I might be creating the rift I'm so desperate to avoid.

"So your advice is to show him the worst of who I am?"

"My advice is to stop hiding, from him, and especially from yourself. You're nice Janey. Too nice. It's actually kinda creepy. You never seem to get mad. You always go with the flow. You just...coast. That's not natural."

I shift uncomfortably in my seat. I really don't like the spotlight turned on me. At all. Maybe because what they're saying hits too close to home. It's too much like what Jonas said at Christmas. "I have been showing him who I am...a little. I told him I don't like Classical music." It sounds weak even to my ears.

Cara opens her mouth to reply, when the office door bursts open and Declan and Jonas burst through. "Give it back man. It's a collectors edition. It's not replaceable." Declan's trying to sound calm and reasonable, but the edge of hysteria is clear to everyone listening.

Jonas, looking calm and collected, with an edge of something sharp in his eyes, holds up a figurine between his forefinger and a thumb. "Huh. It doesn't look all that special." Declan lunges for it, but Jonas dances back, like a boxer in a ring. All power and grace.

"Fuck! Okay, fine. I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what, exactly? Be specific."

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