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He pastes a smile on his lips, and grabs the box of colored pencils. "Can I work on it with you. My kindergarten teacher gave me a certificate for my coloring. I was top of the class at staying in the lines."
I smile, and let him change the subject. Casual and easy friendship is all we have. I have to remember that, and not let myself get too deep. I pull the coloring book closer and thumb through it, looking for the perfect page for us to work on. I find it and Nick laughs as he dumps the pencils all over the table. "Shit Happens. Well, if that doesn't just sum it up."
We work together, playfully arguing over color choices for the design. I maintain we need classic yellow for the happy face. Nick, heathen that he is, demands it be green. In the end, I choose to ignore him and color it yellow. He groans, but I catch his smile.
Soon, we're nearly done, and the air is filled with aromas that make my stomach growl. Jonas carefully removes a dish from the oven, placing it on the top of the stove. He leans over, smelling, and fogs up his glasses. He casually rubs his face with his arm, too focused on the food to worry about smudging his glasses. I smile, turning to Nick, and find the chair empty. I didn't hear him leave.
He sidles up right behind Jonas, peeking around his shoulder to look at the dish of pasta. He looks like he's been locked in a dungeon for a week, and this is his first sight of food. It's hilarious, but I'm also afraid they're going to end up in a fight if he doesn't give Jonas some space. It wouldn't be the first time.
The food makes it to the table with only a few close calls and a little elbowing. For these guys, that's the equivalent of having a tea party with royalty.
Jonas proudly dishes up the food, serving me first. Other than some moans and muttered compliments, our first few bites are silent. When the edge of hunger is soothed, I turn to Jonas. "Where's Janey tonight?" I love Janey. She's like a blanket, in the best way possible. Warm, cozy, soothing.
Jonas rests his fork on the edge of his nearly empty plate. "She's with her dad. She took him out for supper."
"You didn't want to go?" They seem pretty attached. I mean, of course they are, they're married. But it's more than that. Every once in a while, I catch them looking at each other with a depth of feeling that takes my breath away. I'm jealous, but also terrified of the idea of putting all my love into one person like that. I did it, and it backfired big time.
Jonas shrugs, and picks up his fork. "I always want to be where she is. But I believe rebuilding her relationship with her father is very important. So it's good for them to spend time together. He is a good man. She is safe with him."
And if that doesn't say everything about who Jonas is as a person. Anything that's in Janey's best interest, he's for it. It's sweet, and eye opening.
That's not the version of love I had.
Maybe what Tyler and I had wasn't love, not even in the good times. It was something else. Something darker, and twisted.
And I was too stupid to realize it.
Nick nudges my foot under the table. I lift my gaze from the pasta left in my bowl to his. "Are you okay?" he asks, brows furrowed in concern.
I mean to say yes. To push down the big ball of emotion in my chest, but looking at those rich brown eyes of his, I just can't. Right now, I'm weak. I don't want to pretend. "No."
Nick's body deflates as he stares at me. Now's the moment. I've run into it a lot in the months since that night. He'll tell me everything will be okay. What I'm feeling is normal, and it will get better.
Instead, he wets his lips and cracks my chest wide open.
"Me neither."
12
NICK
Shit. I didn't mean to say that. What the fuck? Me neither? Why did I do that? I want to slap myself in the face when her eyes turn glassy with a sheen of tears. I just fucked everything up. I'm a guy who grew up with a bunch of guys. We didn't do feelings most of the time...well we did, but it usually involved a drink, and a one-on-one. We don't just blurt shit out at the table like this.
"I have been researching birth. Did you know sometimes a woman will have an episiotomy? That's when they cut the skin between the vagina and the rectum. I had a nightmare about it last night. I think Janey and I should adopt, then she will never have to experience that."
Dios. Apparently we are blurters, and I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. We're all staring at Jonas, mouths open, Bree's tears forgotten for the moment.
"Where the fuck did that come from?" John asks, dropping his fork onto his plate, glaring at Jonas.
Jonas either doesn't notice John's anger, or he just doesn't care. "I am worried. I do not like being unprepared. But now I wish I hadn't watched that video."
"It's not your baby. Or your wife. Why do you need to worry?"
Jonas stares at John, turning his head side to side like he needs a different view to figure out what's going on in John's head. "Because Holly is family. So I need to worry about her. That is how it works."
John quirks an eyebrow, something dark washing over his face. "Really? That's how it works? Simple as that?"
Jonas pins John with a look I've seen before. A Jonas style truth bomb is about to be dropped. "Loving people is not simple. People are complicated, and they never do what they should. They're rarely logical, and most of the time, they're annoying. But I love them all, anyway. Taking care of them is my job."
