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Luke’s favorite time of year, Thanksgiving and the reminder of him hurt in my chest. His mom always made a maple and turkey roast, whereas his grandmother baked the best mincemeat and pumpkin pies you’d ever tasted.
They would of course expect me to come to dinner, to spend time with them, as I was still ‘family’, but I just couldn’t face them, I wouldn’t be able to put on some form of a smile and hide my emotions.
The radio in the rink had been really picking some songs today, all of which I tried to ignore until Lewis Capaldi’s, “Wish You the Best”, started to play and if it wasn’t for the fact the girls were spinning and needed me to continue to be their spotter, I would had ran out of there as fast as my legs would take me.
I miss the green in your eyes…
Swallowing the lump that was forming in my throat as I fought back tears, Aimee, one of the girls, stopped dancing and looked at me with worry in her eyes. I tried to play it off as something in my eye and do that awkward smile you pull when you were trying not to cry. My chest was already tightening as it felt like the longest three minutes of my life. This song was played at his burial, and I could see it again in my mind, as the curtains closed around his coffin.
“Coach? Are you alright?”
All six girls stopped at once as Aimee spoke and every pair of eyes were on me and a small tear escaped, betraying me as my hands started to shake.
“Eh – Take five girls.”
That voice. Samuel. And as much as I felt hatred towards him, I was grateful for his arrival as the girls nodded and skated off to the other side of the rink to catch five. He didn’t put his hands on me, just stood behind me while I tried to catch my breath and stop my heart from racing.
“It’s okay,” his voice was assuring and calm.
Closing my eyes, I counted to ten, breathing in and out, the way my therapist had taught me. I thought the flashbacks had stopped, I thought I had moved past them, but sometimes, they come out of nowhere. Damn that song! Damn music and damn its way to break a person. Damn him for leaving me!
“I hate him,” I whispered, “I hate him for leaving me here, alone.”
“You’re not alone, Kim, you are surrounded by many, that I’m sure love you.”
“Ha, yeah, sure.”
Finally, my breathing slowed to a normal pace as did my heart and I no longer felt the shaking, as well it would seem the music had been turned down. Looking across to the girls, I spotted Aimee still looking at me with a small smile on her face and no longer wearing her skates. Did she ask the front desk to turn it down? Maybe. Or maybe it was just my imagination.
Leaving Samuel and skating up to the girls. I felt a headache start to develop, as it always did after one of those episodes and I knew I wouldn’t be fully on my game while I was like this.
“Thank you for today girls, you’re all doing amazingly. Take this weekend off, we will pick back up on Monday after you finish school.”
“Yes, Coach.”
“Bye, Coach.”
There was an echo of yeses and goodbyes as they all began to pack up their stuff and leave, all but for Aimee. She was waiting there patiently, as if she was eager to say something.
“When my me-ma died, I couldn’t listen to certain songs either. I found that sometimes earplugs helped when I was out in public places, like the mall where they were always playing songs. It just made life a little easier.”
She was so sweet and young, she should never have felt any of the pain you were cursed with when a loved one died. Smiling an easier smile than the one before, I took some comfort in her knowing exactly what had happened and the fact I had a group of girls who were a delight to teach.
“Thank you, Aimee, enjoy your weekend.”
“Thanks, Coach.”
By the time I had turned around, Samuel was gone, and I felt my chest sigh. In relief? Or maybe a little hidden disappointment? He didn’t have to come and help me, he could have just gone on with his day and I would have been fine, I was always fine.
Packing up my things and heading to my truck, the sun was starting to set, and that beautiful, orange-pink glow was falling across the sky. Gorgeous. I decided to head to mom's on the way out of the rink for dinner, it had been a while and I knew if I didn’t show up soon she would nag me to death.
Crystal and I had plans for later in the night, to head to one of the town's bars and enjoy a few beers together, maybe play some pool or have a game of darts, like old times.
I was so desperate to get back to who I used to be, before Luke, but I think that person was long gone now and I had to accept that. I needed to find out who I was now. I didn’t want to sit in this pit of darkness for the rest of my life, being overcome by grief to the point I couldn’t move forward.
That wouldn’t have been what Luke wanted for me. He wanted me to be happy, to continue on with my life and I hated him for it. How was I meant to continue without him?
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