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I feel so stupid. I was just starting to trust him again.
Lucas’s eyes shutter close. “I’m sorry.”
I huff and try to turn away from him, precariously close to tears again, but he grabs my arm. “I swear I had a good reason.”
“I bet you did.” I try to sound hard and uncaring, but my voice cracks on the last word.
“Please listen to me, Charlie. Please. Just let me talk.”
If I had the energy, I’d storm away. If I had the energy, I’d yell and fight. But I don’t have the energy. I let him pull me down onto the couch and wrap the throw blanket around my shoulders.
“You should have it,” I say, indicating to the blanket. I completely dried off in the McDonald’s and avoided the rain on the way back. Lucas, on the other hand… where exactly did he look for me? And for how long? “You’re going to catch a cold,” I add.
“That’s a myth,” Lucas says, adjusting the blanket around my neck. He takes a step back.
“Remember when you told me that you only have a few friends. I know how important they are to you — Hugo and Gilly. I didn’t want you to get hurt.”
Anger flares up in me. “So you thought you’d just let me continue to be friends with someone who fucked my girlfriend? I feel like such a moron. I thought that he was busy, and I did think he acted a little weird when I talked to him, but now I know the whole time, he was avoiding me.”
“He didn’t mean to sleep with Cleo,” Lucas says.
“What, he just tripped and fell into her vagina?” I retort.
Lucas’s shoulders slump. “I mean that he was drunk out of his mind. At least he was when he left the apartment. He left with Cleo and Hugo, and I don’t know exactly what happened later, but the next morning I went over to Gilly’s, and she was in his bed. Naked.”
I close my eyes, as if to protect myself from the image Lucas’s words conjure up in my brain.
“You already thought that I was the one she had sex with,” Lucas continues. “I sent the photo. Besides, you already think the worst of me. It was better for you to hate me than Gilly.”
“That doesn’t make any fucking sense, Lucas,” I snap. “It’s not your right to decide who should take the fall. It’s not your right to lie! I’d rather know the truth than continue being friends with someone who did something like that to me. And you know what? Letting me think that it was you rather than Gilly hurt me way more than just telling me the truth.”
Lucas shakes his head. “That’s not true. You already know I’m the worst. I already had a history of being cruel. Maybe it hurt you, but you couldn’t be disappointed. You couldn’t be shocked, not really. Fucking your girlfriend is exactly the kind of shitty thing I’d do.”
That’s it. I reach forward and shove his chest as hard as I can, and it catches him off guard because he actually falls back a little bit.
“Shut up,” I snarl. “Just fucking shut up. I’ve known Gilly for three months. I’ve known you for more than thirteen years. You used to be my best friend, Lucas. And you thought that if you took the blame, it would hurt less? How are you this fucking dumb?”
Lucas stares at me, mouth open, and I shove him again for being so dense.
“Do you know how conflicted I’ve been this entire time?” I demand. “Do you know how much self-loathing I’ve had about the fact that…that…”
That I had sex with you. Twice.
I bury my head in my hands. This night has been so long, and now I have a headache. I want to go to sleep, to drift somewhere where I won’t feel miserable anymore.
Lucas’s voice comes from far away. “I’m sorry, Charlie. I didn’t think about it that way. I thought you hated me.”
I keep my face in my hands. “I do. And I don’t. Right now I do.”
“I shouldn’t have lied. I want you to know that I truly didn’t do it to be malicious. I thought I was protecting you. But it wasn’t my right.”
I lift my head.
His eyes are so earnest, so sad, and that, paired with his drenched clothes, makes him look like an abandoned puppy dog. My heart splinters.
“I’m sorry. I really am.”
My shoulders slump. It’s extremely hard to maintain my anger when he’s looking at me like that. When his hair is soaked because he was searching the streets in the rain for me.
