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“Your guilt was so bad you needed to pull her shame into it? That’s fucking low.”
“That’s not what it was about. I…”
I had reconsidered. After running into Jude’s father. It was a mere moment. I thought I could do it. Because he was right. The anticipation, the idea of having Jude my entire life is such a thrilling idea. Something I don’t think I deserve.KnowI don’t.
And then I watched the bridal party and felt my stomach sinking lower and lower. Saw Gram sitting with her hawkish eyes, surveying the scene. All to her liking.
I’m so sick of doing things because of duty.
I want to love Jude out in the open. I want to give her that love story from beginning to end. I want to be able to know the answers to our story and share them. Want people to swoon and feel like we deserve it. Because I know we do. Our love can be that great.
Just not this way.
“I can’t even look at you anymore.”
“Caroline –“
Caroline turns away from me and heads back to the house. I follow Caroline, trying to hold my head high, but it only sinks lower and lower. People who have known me for years look right through me. And I’m lucky Jude’s father doesn’t come right for my jugular when he sees me.
My dad is one of the only welcoming faces. There’s disappointment there, sure. But at least he seems willing to listen to me. He pulls me into the house, a hand on my arm. “How you feeling, son?”
“Terrible.”
He chuckles sadly. “Yeah. Understandable.”
“Is mom upset?” I ask.
“She’s got Caroline upstairs, trying to calm her down.”
I sigh. “Look, Dad, if you want an explanation, right now, I just –”
“I definitely want one. In time. There’s a lot…” he glances around the foyer. It feels so big and empty right now.
I can hear Caroline’s weeping in the distance.Ignore it. This isn’t about her.
“There’s a lot going on. I just want to make sure you’re okay,” Dad says.
“Thanks. I’m… not.”
“Figured as much.” He chews on his lower lip. “Should probably go try and cuddle up to Gram.”
My heart plummets so deep into my stomach I’m afraid it’s going to fall out of my ass. “Dad –”
“She’s going to be madder than a flea in a fire. Best at least try now so she can’t hold it against you later that you didn’t. Go on now.”
Dad sends me out through the French double doors into the backyard. It is the wedding equivalent of a ghost town. Nothing is nearly as perfect as it was at the start. In fact, the crew is already starting to fold up the chairs. If things were going to plan, they’d be getting ready to set up the dinner tables while cocktail hour happened on the patio.
As if still in the reverie of the ceremony (that truly would have been perfect had it not all been a lie), Gram sits in her spot. Staring straight ahead at the ghosts of Jude and me.
I shove my hands in my pockets and head down toward her, nodding at the crew in thanks. They all throw me awkward and pitying smiles.
“Gram?” I say when at her side.
She does not move a muscle.
I go to the empty spot beside her, sinking down. Jude’s veil in my lap.Deep breath.Just say it. “I owe you an explanation.”
Gram’s stoicism could make the statue of David break into a million pieces.
