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“I wanted to fulfill my obligation to you. To the family. And I didn’t think about the cost until it was too late.”
The muscles in her neck stick out.
“I know you’re upset. You have every right. And I will do what I can to make things right. Even if I have to do that forever. But I want you to know that my feelings for Jude are –”
“Chase.”
I am stunned to silence by my name, fashioned in ice, sliding from her mouth.
“I have nothing to say to you.”
I lower my gaze.
“Disgraceful.”
She is right to say it. Yet it still manages to slice my belly open. The entrails spill out. And I am empty.
I have destroyed everything.
And it wasn’t even worth it to alleviate the guilt.
I am my very own monster.
Chapter 17
Jude
Onemonthlater…
Things are just… not the same.
And haven’t been since Chase left me at the altar. I’ve experienced every emotion under the sun from rage to disappointment to relief to painful shame.
The truth is, I’m just sad. So desperately sad.
I thought my life would be a lot different by late August. I’d have returned from a honeymoon, totally reinvigorated from all the beauty and splendor of the Grecian islands, ready to create, ready to dosomethingwith all my free time now that I don’t have a teaching job.
I could focus on my art. And my health. And Chase. And building our life together.
I was mostly looking forward to focusing on Chase. Our marriage would be like a container for us to explore our connection. Like a safety net in case we found ourselves falling out of favor with each other.
Now I understand why so many people through history and in so many cultures have subscribed to arranged marriages. Once the marriage certificate was signed, theyhadto make it work. There was no choice in the matter.
Despite being a modern definition of a woman living in the twenty-first century, I was more than looking forward to the arrangement Chase and I had agreed upon.
Maybe there’s something wrong with me for wanting that, but I can’t deny that’s how I felt.
The fallout hasn’t been as tough as I thought it would be, regarding family and friends. When they all found out about the loss of the art department at school and how desperate I was to make sure I had healthcare, they all sympathized despite their anger. I’ve managed to keep up with appointments and treatments thanks to Caroline.
Caroline’s been the hardest person to face in the wake of this. Granted, I haven’t attempted to face Gram (and why would I want to? She would probably tear my heart right out from my chest).
It’s not because Caroline is upset with me for lying. No, she’s hurt for a different reason.
“I don’t understand why you didn’t just come to me and ask,” she said to me when she found me crumpled up in my little bungalow, still wearing my wedding dress while attempting to drink myself into oblivion. I say attempt because I couldn’t even get halfway through a hard cider. “I would have paid for anything you needed, Jude. Anything.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth. Because I’ve barely been able to tell it to myself.
I saw an opportunity and I took it. To slide into Chase’s heart. My childhood fantasy come to life.
