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“I see.” I sort of understood. I didn’t know what it all meant, or how the corporations made people in labs. What did that even mean when it came down to it? But I didn’t have to understand every intricate detail to know they had to run. They’d built a life on a planet so private, it entirely shut out the rest of the universe for six weeks out of the year. Amias had left them behind for some reason, and then I came uninvited to bring them pain.
I touched the door behind me. “Did you build this or was it already built, just needing repair?”
“The latter. Some of the houses in town were built by us, but this one lasted through neglect. We made it sound again. It needs a new paint job none of us feel like doing, but it’s sound and steady.” He touched the wall, not looking at me . “I was rude to you when you arrived, but that’s because we don’t answer to the name The Five anymore. Mostly, we dropped it because Amias is gone, which leaves only four of us.” He shook his head. “So you knowing that name…it made me wary. I apologize. For that, and for all my actions afterward. I’m not usually so rude. At least, I think I was rude. It isn’t always clear to us how our words and actions are interpreted. When we arrived, the humans here helped us understand some things, but we’re still men bred and born to kill. Battling to have any sense of other is a constant issue for us.”
I nodded, since I understood. Being trapped by circumstances of birth or creation seemed pretty similar, in my opinion. “It’s hard to escape a purpose, or to run away from what you’re supposed to be.”
“Do you think you’re supposed to be a whore? Is it what you were born to do? Do you think you were created with no greater purpose than to open your legs because Clarke or others tell you to?”
I stiffened my spine. I hated the word, even though it only had what power I gave it. “I suppose I’m supposed to be one, like you were supposed to be a mindless killer. What does it say about either of us, if our very existence was dictated by people and powers we didn’t choose, yet we have to follow their directions? I’m glad life took you in a different direction, but I also wonder which is worse—being ordered to sleep with people and obeying or killing people for the same reason? I don’t have blood on my hands…do you?”
I bit off the words, a hard answer to his mean question, before I second guessed myself. Once I thought it through, my eyes widened, and I clamped my hand over my mouth. Why did I say that to him, one of the few people standing between me and literal death on my own?
I dropped my hand, panicked about making it right. “I’m sorry. So sorry.”
He smirked at me, actual amusement glinting in his hard eyes. “Don’t ever apologize when you’re telling it like it is. Also, quit cowering. I’m not going to hurt you, not ever. No matter what you say to me, okay? I guess I owe you another apology.”
I shrugged. I’d heard far worse, honestly. “I do seem to trigger you. I don’t mean to, for what it’s worth. Is there something about me that you just didn’t like right off the bat?”
He sighed, loudly. “Before was different than now. I think I’m jealous of you. There, I said it. And I’m not overly familiar with the emotion, so I don’t like how it feels but there it is.”
My mouth fell open, my eyes wide, while my brain tried to digest the information. I sputtered for a second before I finally managed, “What?”
“You spent the last five years with him. I’m jealous of that.” He spoke through gritted teeth, tension tautening his already hard jaw. “Not proud of it, but there it is. His last five were with you, not me.”
He spoke in a low, rough voice, one laced with pain, and I could feel the grief coming off him as though it were my own. I thought of Amias and Stone, and a realization hit me.
“Were you in love with him?” I knew they couldn’t be sexual because of their machine here, but love was so much more than just sex. I continued quickly, hoping I didn’t offend him, but very curious. “Did he leave you for my brother?”
Ransom blinked rapidly, then seemed to understand. “Not in the way that you mean. I didn’t know that Amias loved men. That’s how little we discussed such things. It just wasn’t part of our lives, so not even the option of that kind of thing crossed our minds. No, he was my brother, like they’re all my brothers. We made promises to each other on the day we got away. We all agreed we would do this thing…this life that we weren’t designed for, one where we weren’t even sure how to exist…together. Then he took off, saying he needed some space to consider things. He said he was never coming back, but I always thought— But he didn’t. Because he fell in love, which is hard to even consider as a possibility. Then you got all that time with him, the time he’d promised to share with us.”
I hugged him, because he looked like he needed one. Ransom caught his breath and didn’t move for a good three seconds—which felt really long in the moment—before his arms wrapped around me.
But then his body sighed against mine, so I snuggled into his neck.
“I’m sorry that he hurt you,” I whispered to him. It wasn’t a lie; I was sorry for it. “I’m sorry the way you heard about his death was by me showing up like that.”
We stayed quiet for a little longer before his grip on me eased, and we stepped away from each other. His voice sounded a little gruff when he spoke. “Let’s get you inside. It’s been a long time since you slept. I can hear your exhaustion. The little bit that you fell asleep earlier wasn’t enough.”
Mace had said he could hear it earlier, too. I tried not to resent the fact they knew more about my physical state than I sometimes did.
He continued. “I get needing air, but now you need to sleep.”
It seemed likely he was right, especially since my mouth opened just then in a jaw-popping yawn. We walked back upstairs in silence. Although I sort of expected to find the bedroom empty, I instead found them all on the bed, none of them moving. Ransom’s words from earlier resonated with me. They didn’t always know how to do human-y things, even though they were technically human.
Taking a hard look at them, I noticed the same wounded look in their eyes as I saw in Ransom. They were hiding it because they didn’t know how to otherwise, but Amias’ death had hit them all.
“Do you ever share a bed? All of you, together?” It was certainly big enough to fit everyone.
Crew ran a hand through his hair. “Lie next to each other? On missions, sometimes, we might sleep together. Been a long time, but yes.”
“Do you want to now? With me?” I asked because, worst-case scenario, they would say no. I liked the idea of spending the night with four people who loved Amias, who didn’t seem to mind that I’d criticized their friend, and because my brother wasn’t there to hold me. There was strength in sharing pain.
Mace patted the bed next to him. When I began to climb in, I remembered I wore Ransom’s shirt. I tugged at it to take it off, but he grabbed my arm. “Keep it. For tonight, I’m good.”
He kicked off his shoes and Crew followed suit. They were all shirtless, big, broad, muscular men made for battle.
And as lost in this room as me.
