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Ransom nodded at Mace’s question. “I don’t want this stuff just sitting here. I don’t want it available for someone on the edge to just take and use. What do we do with this? Crew?”
He remained silent for so long, I wasn’t sure he would answer. With nothing to contribute except awe, I stayed quiet and watched.
Crew finally said, “I’m of two minds. The former me says let’s keep them. We never know when we’ll need weapons to kick ass. The recent me would like them destroyed, but I don’t know if that’s the smart call. I don’t want to be caught unawares, if everyone else has them. Well, everyone not with us.” He side-eyed me. “Would you be comfortable if they were stored where we live, Raven?”
I hadn’t expected his question. Does it matter what I think? I guessed it did. If Crew asked, he had a reason. “I trust you guys to keep them stored where they can’t accidently blow up or anything.”
“Then we’ll keep them.” He nodded. “Ransom, go through all of this. I want an accounting, then keep what could be useful. Make a full inventory.”
“On it.” He smiled and rubbed his hands together. “I love sorting, I just do.”
The clutter seemed to be getting to me. I stepped outside of the cabin, the walls suddenly feeling like they might come in on me. It was cooler outside. I lifted my head to the sun, closed my eyes to keep from going blind, and breathed.
“Hey…” Gunnar tugged on my hair, getting my attention. “What made you upset? We can get rid of the stuff, if it bothers you.”
Crew pointed at me. “Don’t lie. It hurts my ears.”
“What happens if you all get sick of me? Do I move here? Do I leave the planet?” I swallowed. It was easier to just say the words, not dwell on whether or not to say them.
“We won’t get sick of you.” All four of them echoed the words pretty much in unison. I smiled. At least they’re in sync.
Which was sweet, but not what I wanted. “I understand it’s unlikely all four of you will get sick of me at once, but what about if Crew does?”
“Why specifically me?” He stepped toward me; his brow furrowed in concern. “I think I might be the least likely to get sick of you. I’m head over heels, not going to have that happen.”
They all grumbled something, but I forced myself to press onward. “Because you’re in charge. They ultimately defer to you, so if you get sick of me, they’ll get rid of me. Right?”
“Where is this coming from?” Gunnar looked at Ransom.
He shook his head. “She was with Raine, who is understandably loaded with anxiety. Maybe it stirred hers.”
“Or yours did.” I shook my head. “Is it a completely unreasonable question?”
“No,” Crew said and drew me to him. “But I’m totally devoted to you. Always will be. And I think they’d vote to throw me out if I even suggested such a thing.” He kissed my head. “Maybe we could make the upstairs in the bar more of a home? We didn’t care before, but it makes sense in a way I hadn’t considered. We could make it an actual home.”
Gunnar laughed. “I love that idea. I’ll do that. Let’s make it more like an apartment. Bar is one thing; home is another. I mean, we’ve had our rooms, but we haven’t had a home. Raven made it a home by coming, so let’s give her one.”
It might have been the sweetest thing I’d ever heard. Tears rushed to my eyes, and I reached for him to join the hug I shared with Crew. Gunnar did just that. I was smushed between them and that was better. I needed the contact.
“What was home like for you, Raven?” Mace took a step toward us. “Can you remember? We could try to make the apartment similar.”
I blinked. Good question. I didn’t let myself think about it most of the time, but I searched back to the memories from when I was so, so young and small. “It was a house. To me, it seemed huge, but maybe it wasn’t. I was just small. We had three bedrooms, and two were upstairs—my brother and I had those rooms, and basically the whole upstairs. My parents were downstairs.” I remembered sneaking through the dark to find them at night after a bad dream. It seemed like such a long walk. “There was a kitchen.” Of course there was. I had to think. “The walls were yellow in the kitchen. The floors were smooth but wood.” I shook my head as the rush of emotion hit me the second that the memory did.
Stone used to laugh at breakfast. Every morning, he found something so funny. He’d just laugh and laugh. I could almost hear it…
The hug suddenly became too much, a trap I needed to escape. I pushed out of their embrace, seeking the air again. Tears poured down my cheeks, and I scrubbed them away with the back of my hand in annoyance. “Sorry, too much. What if you all die? What happens to me then?” I held out my hand. “Sorry, but don’t tell me that you can’t die, because they gutted Amias. I may not have seen it happen, but I pictured it a million times on my trip here. He died from it. So, yes, you actually can die, and I know that you know it, because I would think you’ve seen more of your people die than you’d care to remember.” I wiped at my eyes again, but I still couldn’t see past the blurry sheen of tears. I sniffled and said, “I need to get a job, I think, so I can survive if something happens to you. So I can pay for things that I need, but the only thing I know how to do is this.” I hoped pointing at the mark on my forehead was going to be sufficient, because I didn’t want to say the word aloud. “And I’m sorry about this. I’m so sorry.” I turned to walk away. “Give me a moment. I’ll get it stopped.”
Mace grabbed my arm. “I’ll go with you, okay? I know just where we can go. We all have bad moments, and these are very real, valid questions you’re asking. We’ll figure them out. All of us, together.”
Gunnar cleared his throat. “Anything I have, it’s yours, Raven. All my credits. I’m sure you can have all of ours. That’s what I see them do. The families around here that we’ve observed. I mean, Missy isn’t working right now, because the babies are young and she has money—she just has credits. She has John’s. That’s how it works, right?”
I wiped at his eyes. His sweetness put a halt to my uncontrolled weeping. “It’s really nice that they do that. I think my parents were the same way. My mom had just gone back to work running a fishery when Clarke arrived. She’d been home for years, and now that I think about it, I think that the man next door stayed home while his wife worked, because he used to take us all on playdates with his kids.” What were their names? What happened to them? I’d probably never know. “And yes, they share money, if that was how it worked for them. I don’t know. But they’re married. I’m not your wife and I’d never marry you to use your credits. If anyone ever suggested such a thing, or if you ever have someone you even think wants to marry you to use the income you’ve earned with all your hard work, get rid of them.”
They all fell silent. I didn’t know why, and I didn’t have the wherewithal in that moment to figure it out. Instead, I looked at Mace. “If I’m too much, I can just go for a walk by myself.”
“Never too much. You’re always the right amount of much.” He held out his hand. “Can I carry you like Ransom did? It’s a perfect spot, but it’s all uphill.”
I batted at my face, wiping away the stray tears. “If you don’t mind going at what I’m sure has to be my frustratingly slow pace, I could use the exertion of the walk.”
