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The point is, I didn’t do a fucking thing!
I didn’t do a fucking thing to end the fucking steps that took me away from Drake!
I wonder if that’s why I’ve been so nauseous lately? I wonder if that’s why my period was so spotty the first month after I left Drake, and why it’s so late now? I mean, I’m on birth control, so I know I’m not pregnant. It must just be all the stress and grief over losing the man I love that’s fucking me up so much.
The man I love.
I wish I could say those words hit me with surprise. If they did, then maybe I could justify at least some of the actions—or rather, lack of actions—I take to stay with him.
But there’s no surprise. I’ve known for a while that I’m in love with Drake. Hell, I knew it when I left him.
But I still left him. I still left him, and it’s fucking killing me that I left him!
“All right, Miss Carter,” Doctor Krause says, pulling me from my thoughts. “I’ve got the results back, and I have wonderful news.”
“I’m not sick?” I ask.
“No, not at all,” Doctor Krause says with a chuckle. He offers me a kindly, fatherly smile, and I return one of my own in spite of myself.
Maybe I’m just grabbing for any silver lining I can find, but the fact that Doctor Krause has to be the nicest doctor I’ve ever met actually means a lot to me right now.
“Yeah,” I say, relaxing a little. “I think I’ve just been a little stressed.”
That’s the understatement of the century. I haven’t been a little stressed, I’ve been absolutely beside myself with frustration, anxiety, and mostly disappointment and grief. As nice as Doctor Krause is, though, I don’t feel like getting into my relationship with Drake right now, so I just leave it at stress.
He chuckles again, “Well, having a baby will do that to you.”
“Yeah, it’s just been a crazy last few months, and the new job is really... wait, what?”
“I said having a baby will do that to you.”
I stare at him, and my emotions completely disappear. I feel numb with shock. “I’m pregnant?”
“You are,” he says. “Congratulations.”
He smiles at me, but I don’t return this smile. My mind is blank. I’m supposed to be on birth control! How can…
It occurred to me that I missed a dose while I was in the cabin with Drake. Missing one dose that close to intercourse shouldn’t result in pregnancy, but it’s not impossible.
And I imagine Doctor Krause knows his job well enough to know if I’m pregnant or not.
I finally manage to stammer a “thank you,” then manage to keep from freaking out while he tells me something I’ll have to read later when he gives me my paperwork because I don’t hear a fucking word he says.
Pregnant.
I’m pregnant.
Holy shit.
Drake
When you live for centuries,you experience regret more than someone who can reasonably expect a lifespan of three-quarters of one century. You experience sadness and regret, and you experience it often. I have lost loves. I have watched them grow old, and I have lost them. I know sadness, and I know regret.
I have never experienced sadness like this.
I have never experienced regret like this.
More than once, I have spent decades with a woman, the span of their entire adult life. I spent less than two weeks with Sienna, and yet now I feel hollow and empty. I was sad when my last lover passed on. I was sad, and I was bitter, and there were nights I felt profound unhappiness. I never felt hollow, though. I never felt empty. I never felt as though there existed no real reason to go on, as though nothing would fill the void.
