AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Uncoveringmyidentity.
I sit up in bed, grab my laptop and open Twitter. My heart’s beating so fast it feels like I might go into cardiac arrest. I feel my phone vibrate against my thigh. I know it’s Gabriel trying to get through to me, but I can’t pull myself away from Twitter.
#retrotennisguy is trending and it’s all about findingme.
@nighthawk87Cute boy with floppy hair makes headlines and Twitter is in meltdown? Feels like my first crush all over again.
@red_velvet_cupcakesAnyone actually know his @?
@electricswitch to @red_velvet_cupcakesWhy do you need to know? Respect his privacy if he doesn’t have a public account!
@red_velvet_cupcakes to @electricswitchWtf chill i just want to follow him.
@frugalguruThe obsession with finding #retrotennisguy is everything that’s wrong with social media these days!
I follow the stream of tweets and news articles written about my stupid fucking thrifted shirt and a pair of sunglasses I bought from a petrol station last year. There are tweets and shares, and heart reacts and people saying ‘who cares’ under Buzzfeed articles. I’ve gone viral.
I shut the laptop and push it away. There’s a ringing in my ears, and I’m sweating. I don’t know what to do; I don’t know who I should call.
Afteryearsof lying low, of keeping my nose out of places it doesn’t belong, this happens. Dad’s bound to see it.
He’ll know I’m in Melbourne.
My phone vibrates again and I realise Gabriel’s trying to video-call me. I don’t want him to see me like this, broken and crying and unable to think a sentence let alone speak one. I let the phone go to voicemail before pulling up our chat.
Hungrygabriel73:I’m so sorry noah
Hungrygabriel73:Victor can try to make this go away but, in my experience, people will move on quickly.
Hungrygabriel73:Call me?
Hungrygabriel73:Are u okay, noah?
I stare at the message for a long time, trying to make sense of my thoughts. All I want to do right now is to run; hide; disappear—again.
NoAgenda:I’m just trying to make sense of everything.
Hungrygabriel73:Ishould have know this happen when percy asked me about it after the match. I’m sorry.
He’s typing so fast his grammar is suffering, but I know what he means.
NoAgenda:It’s okay.
Hungrygabriel73:This disappear by tomorrow, i promise
God, butwhat if? What if someone knows how to dig up information about me?
Gabriel said he didn’t care about my past if I didn’t care about googling him—but what if it’s systematically unpacked and exposed by people online, and laid out in front of him? My fucked-up childhood, my arsehole dad, my months of homelessness, my brief stint in sex work . . .
Everything.
I’ve always told myself I’m not ashamed of my past, but here I am—being ashamed over it.
My clothes are soaked with sweat, so I get up and shower. Sadie pads into the bathroom to keep me company.
Maybe I should leave after the Open.
Maybe I should leave before that.
