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“It’s not enough for me either.”
“Well…what is?”
“I… Can I come in?”
“Sure.” She backed away from the door and swept her hand grandly across the space. “Welcome to my home. Do not touch myLord of the Ringsstuff—it’s mint. Now, tell me,” she said, turning to face him, her heart in her throat, “what do you want? Don’t play with me, Caleb, please. I can’t take it.”
“I don’t want to play with you. I…I need you. I need you so much it terrifies me. Not just because of what it means to me, but because of what it means to you.”
“Tell me about it,” she said, sure her heart had stopped altogether.
“I am so screwed up. I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve always been the lazy one. The player. The one who would never amount to much. But it was okay because there was Jill. She was smarter, more driven, more…everything. And then she died. I was in the accident, too.”
“Oh…Caleb.”
“I saw her die. Or…you know, I didn’t even see it, I just…the accident happened. I was fine. I looked over at her…she was already gone.”
“No, Caleb. I’m so sorry.”
“For ten years I’ve wondered why it was her and not me. I’ve been stuck wondering that. Feeling like I wasn’t worthy of this extra shot I got. Proving I wasn’t worthy of it. I realized something tonight.”
“What?” she asked, the word a choked whisper.
“It’s not changing. It’s done. It’s done and I’m still wishing it wasn’t, but it won’t change anything. I have to go on. And I haven’t. I never have. But…but this is the scary thing. I need you and I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to give you back what you need. I just feel like all I can do is take. I feel like…I’ll let you down.”
“Caleb.” She took a step toward him, fighting to keep her emotions in check, just long enough to say what she needed to say. “It’s okay to need me. It’s okay to need other people.”
“But I don’t want to take from you.”
“Caleb, someday I’m going to need you, and I know for a fact that if you love me, you’ll be there. That’s the way it works.”
“But…I don’t deserve any of this, Evie. I don’t deserve you. I don’t even feel like I deserve to be here half the time.”
“But you have me. You have my love. You have life. It doesn’t matter if you deserve it or not.”
“But you…”
“Let me tell you something. I’ve had that bland relationship that was just there to be there. This isn’t that. I love you, Caleb. And I knew it for sure when I felt how much losing you hurt. You make me a better me. Braver. You make me have more fun. You make me ask for what I want and you never make me feel like what I’m doing is wrong. I’ve had my work life down to a science for years, but I never knew how to demand something good in my personal life. Until you. You give so much more to me than you take, and hell, I don’t know if I deserve you. But I want you to be mine anyway.”
“Why do you love me?”
“Because I see the you that you don’t want people to know is there. And I like him. The guy who put me first in bed, who talked to me about popsicle fellatio with a mostly straight face, and who makes me feel like my happiness, my pleasure, my desires are valuable. Actually, I don’t just like that guy, I love him.”
“I love you, too,” he said. “And I’ve only ever said those words to family members. And not once at all in the past ten years. So know that they mean a lot.”
She blinked back tears. “I do.”
“Never doubt it.”
“I won’t. Also, I’m really glad you’re back,” she said, leaning in and kissing him, quick and hard. “Because there’s still more on my list.”
“Is there?”
“Oh yes,” she said. “That was a list of fifty sex tips, you know? And we only did maybe ten.”
“Are you propositioning me?”
She wiggled her hips back and forth, knowing full well she looked like a dork and not caring at all. Because Caleb liked it, and she knew it. “Hellll yesss.”
“I think I’ll go for it—I’m kind of a slut. But only with you.”
“Good to know.” She looked down, a smile curving her lips. “I’m very glad to see you wore your tie. I think you’re going to need it tonight.”
* * * * *
