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Alaina’s expression turned to one of barely suppressed amusement. “It won’t surprise you at all to learn that Gus is extremely difficult, and it is nearly impossible to get down to the bottom of his feelings.”
“That doesn’t surprise me at all,” Charity said. “Gus doesn’t seem forthcoming on that subject.”
“No,” Alaina said. “He’s learning. But it isn’t exactly second nature for him. You know, in that he would definitely rather eat a handful of bees than actually tell me about his innermost heart.”
“I just thought that IknewLachlan’s. But I don’t think I do. And that’s made me feel...a little bit wobbly.”
“Understandable.”
“It’s understandable, I guess, but I don’t know what to do about it. And he outright refused to tell me what was going on with him last night.”
“What happened?” Alaina asked.
Charity shook her head and looked down at the baby. “I can’t say. I mean, I could. It’s his secret, though. He doesn’t even want to talk to me about it. So I can’t talk to anyone else about it.”
“I understand that,” Elizabeth said softly. “But if there’s anything we can do to help...”
“I know. I know you want to help. I wish I knew how to ask for help. I wish I knew better. I wish I knew how to be what he needed. I did when I was his friend. But now I’m his wife, and I feel like I need to give him more, in the same way that I feel I need to get more. I don’t really know what to do about this. It’s just scary. I don’t think that I can be what he needs me to be. And what if I can’t?”
“I don’t think he would’ve married you if he didn’t think that you could be that thing. I mean it. Not that you have to be everything to him. He’s gonna have to be some things, too.” Alaina said that with deep ferocity. “He’s the one that wanted to get married so badly, badly enough that he was sniffing around my sister. He really should be more open. To you. To everything.”
“Well, I think he wanted to be. I just think that he’s having difficulty with it.”
“Understandable. But he has to get it together.”
“Seriously. He needs to get it together,” Elizabeth said.
“I appreciate that. But I wonder if there are some things I need to get together,” Charity said.
“In what way?”
“I just wonder. I wonder what more there is to all this.”
“I guess it must be difficult. To figure out what changes when you go from a relationship as deep as yours to one that’s different. Still deep, but very different,” Elizabeth said.
“Maybe the mistake is just thinking it’s the same. People always say that—I married my best friend. But they mean something more. Something different.”
“Yeah. They do,” Elizabeth said. “I’ve been married twice. I thought I was in love with my first husband. I thought we were friends. I thought it was everything. But I realized that I was contorting myself to be something thathewanted me to be, and I wasn’t happy. I was never going to be. I didn’t realize that until a lot later. Till I was with Brody, and it was different. I couldn’t breathe with my first husband, and I couldn’t just be myself.”
“I can be myself with Lachlan. I’ve always been able to be.”
“Your whole self? Because you guys didn’t start sleeping together until recently. That’s another dimension of who you are. Desire. Now you guys have all that together. I know it’s physical, but it’s more than that. It’s spiritual.”
“Well, you’re right about that.”
“So now there’s so much that he knows about you that he didn’t before. And you about him.”
She nodded. She felt a little bit embarrassed by the direction of the conversation, but she also knew that it was true.
It gave her a new perspective.
“But it isn’t making him want to tell me about his past.”
“Maybe not. But maybe there’s a way for you to push down his walls by breaking down more of yours.”
“I don’t know that I have any more to break down. I’ve already done more and been more with him than I ever have another human being. I’m afraid that anything else might break me apart.”
“If there’s one thing I learned,” Alaina said softly, “it’s that there are times when love does break you apart a little bit. Oh, it shouldn’t be like that always. And they need to break apart for you, too. It can’t be in the sacrifice on one side. But it can’t be tit-for-tat, either. You can’t keep score. And you have to be willing to go through the hard things to get where you need to be. Gus and I had a very difficult time. He married me with this idea that he wanted to protect me, but in the end, it turned out that he loved me, but that didn’t actually make things easier. I do wonder a bit if that’s what’s happening with Lachlan. Gus was afraid to love me.”
