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“Did I lose you again?”
“No,” he said. “Just thinking. Thinking.”
“About what?”
“What do you dream of?”
She wrinkled her nose. “That’s an interesting question.”
“I want to know. Because when we were kids, we used to lie down underneath that tree, and we used to make damn sure we didn’t talk about the future. We both know we couldn’t picture one that wasn’t just the same as what we had been. But you went to live with the Kings. And that brought you something new. So now that you can imagine a different life, what do you want?”
A small smile crossed her lips. “I want my business to be successful. I want to get a house of my own. I want Denver to feel like he did a good job. Because... He’s not really a father figure. More of an older brother. They all are. I want them to feel like what they gave me matters. I want them to feel like I was worth the effort. Worth the money.”
“That’s all stuff. What about...”
“Oh, do I want to get married? Maybe. I mean I always thought I would. Or I guess it just kind of existed in the back of my mind. It’s why I dated the men that I did when I was in college.”
“That’s what you want to have,” he said decisively. More to himself than to her. “One of those college boys.”
“Why?”
“For all the reasons you just said. Except I know you’re worth it. So you should have that.”
“And you?”
“I haven’t figured it out yet. I came back here because I’m trying to. I came back here maybe because I needed to bring all these new things I learned and touch the grass where we used to run barefoot.”
“I never go back there,” she said.
His heart began to pound harder. “I think we should go.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I think you should take a ride on my motorcycle with me.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
ITWASBEAUTIFULOUTSIDE, the golden hour beginning to descend. Penny got dressed and let him lead her outside. “I have an extra helmet,” he said, moving into a shop that was detached from the house. She followed after him.
“Is it for your girlfriend?”
“No,” he said. “But I run a mechanic shop. Motorcycles are kind of my thing. I have a lot of extra parts lying around.” He picked up a helmet off of one of the workbenches. She looked around the space. It was clean, perfectly organized like the rest of his house, nothing like she would imagine a little shop out in the middle of nowhere might be. She could see all his effort. All his effort put into being the best version of himself that he could possibly be. But he still didn’t think he was enough.
Maybe he just really didn’t want to get married. Maybe it wasn’t the life he wanted. But it was weird. Hearing him say that she ought to be with one of those college guys when... When they had been lying in bed naked together. When the only thing she could actually imagine wanting was him.
That made her stomach twist with anxiety. She didn’t say anything. She just held the helmet closer to her stomach. “You’ll go slow, right?”
“I’ll go as fast as I think you need to.”
That was how she found herself on the back of his bike, clinging to him tightly as they whizzed down the familiar winding road. She had never driven back this way. She just didn’t. The dirt road that took them to Boulder City was a road she’d deleted from her personal map.
The trailer park dotted with a few old stick-built homes hadn’t changed at all since she had left. There were plastic toys in people’s yards. A big trampoline that she imagined everybody shared.
Clothes hung out on a clothesline, bed sheets functioning as curtains in the window. One window was covered by a brightly colored blanket with a smiling Thomas the Tank Engine printed onto it. There was something deeply comforting about it. Also something that made her feel a kick of anxiety.
It was hard to explain. The feeling of homecoming. The feeling of wishing she wasn’t there.
The feeling of wanting beanie weenies sometimes when there was a steak already prepared. She got off the bike, and he gripped her hand. They walked down the road, all the way to the field where they used to sit. She bent down and started to take off her shoes.
