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He can’t know it, but Jarradek’s words stay with me. I choke out some response. I hardly know what. But I think about what he said hours after I’ve gone home, lying awake staring at the dark ceiling of my bedroom.
I want the words to be true.
Usually, I’m afraid to think too hard about whether or not they are. I avoid thinking about all the times when I was still with James and I wished I’d never gotten pregnant. All the times I wished there wasn’t something so concrete tying us together.
Now that I’m free, I still wish sometimes I hadn’t. Right up until the moment one of them smiles or makes me laugh, or cries and needs a cuddle. Then I know it doesn’t matter what I have to face, it will always have been worth it for me.
I only hope they look back and remember those times, and not the times I cried or snapped, or forgot something they wanted at the store, or made the same dinner every night for a week.
I hope they don’t know a part of me still wishes for the girl I used to be. Because I’m not her anymore.
ELEVEN
Mel
A noise wakes me while it’s still dark. I don’t know what time. I rub my eyes, trying to process what it is.
Another sound. Banging. Getting louder.
Then shouting.
I recognize that voice. Recognition does nothing to soothe the fear that’s creeping into my gut. Oh no.
James bangs on the door again. Thump, thump, thump! I stagger from the bed, pulling my discarded cardigan around my shoulders, and stumble to the door.
I freeze. Wait. How did he find us? I deliberately didn’t tell him our address, and I’ve always been very careful to make sure it’s not on any of the documents from Elsa’s school or the correspondence from the lawyers.
Does he know we’re here, or is he just guessing?
I brush back my hair from my face with a shaking hand. I don’t know what to do. He’s only banging at the door. He’s made no threats. He never actually hit me, even when we were living together.
It wasn’t like that. He just liked to control me. Control our money, our lease, our kids. Everything.
The police would never come out for this.
I’m still frozen when a groggy Damian pops his head around the corner in time to hear the next round of banging.
