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“This feels good which gives me a rush but also makes me fearful.”
“People often get stuck on the emotion of love but fear as an emotion is just as relevant. Just asintense. Just asmeaningful. It’s debatable whether or not my parents loved each other and I’ve expressed that I didn’t love my wife—nor did she love me—so my views on love are more structural. I love my family, Elias, Cress, and their children. Although it’s not the same, I know the fear I carry in relation to my family is the same as the love I have for them.Fearof ensuring I’m enough so their love for me never changes.Fearof losing them.Fearof them being wronged or hurt. That same fear exists in relation to you. It weighs heavily on my conscience.Fearis just as necessary as loving someone. You fear because you care, because youloveeven if you don’t realize the emotions are there. When you fear life without those important to you, you fight to ensure you never have to experience what that looks or feels like. To that degree, fear and love are very similar, if not the same in relation to meaningful connections.”
It took her a minute to completely process what I said but when it registered, she leaned into my chest and cuffed my face, bringing her mouth close to mine. “You’re saying fear is just as relevant as being in love.”
“They exist in close proximity.”
“Are you in fear with me, Ezekiel Omari?”
“I am.”
“I’m in fear with you too.”
I chuckled. “That’s probably not the best way to communicate things but you get the general idea.”
“It makes sense to me.” She smiled, leaning closer, and I closed the space, capturing her mouth.
“I’m glad it all makes sense. For the record, this feels good to me also. The emotions will come. If we truly want this, love will come. For now we work on the behaviors.”
“Which are?”
“Attraction. Care. Affection. Intimacy.Trust.” I kissed her between each word. “I promise to be intentional with my actions.”
“Me too.”
I was allowing myself to be vulnerable with Jhorie. That was something I promised I would never do again but here I was, willingly opening that part of my life, hopeful that this time the outcome would be favorable.
* * *
Before we made it to the house, we stopped by Jhorie’s apartment to gather more of her things. Once we arrived, I gave her a tour of the east wing, the kitchen and gym, and gardens before I brought her things to the upper level owner suite. She stood in the center of the room with a blank expression in place like she wasn’t sure what to do with herself.
I could almost feel the internal struggle. She didn’t want to be here and it had nothing to do with the accommodations or not feeling welcomed. She was struggling with her emotions about not doing things for herself.
“I’m going to go find Elias to let him know I’m home. Would you like Cress…”
“No.” Her eyes lifted to mine and she relaxed, dropping her shoulders some. “I need a minute, if that’s okay.”
I moved to her and pressed a kiss to her temple. “Whatever you need. Text me if you need anything.”
“I should be fine.” Her brows inched in close as she glanced around the room once more. I left, closing the door behind me. I checked for Elias in his room, the gym, and basement. When I didn’t find him in any of those places, I headed straight for Cress’s studio.
I stood silently at the door, watching her move for a few minutes then watching my brother studying his wife like his silent praise and approval would somehow make her performance better. In a way I believed it did. They were that in sync. I envied the way they loved each other.
“Uncle Ezie…” Amel rattled off, causing Cress to stop in the middle of some spin she was doing. She waved and grinned at Amel who ran to the door where I was standing. I lifted him in my arms and tossed him in the air.
“Hey, kid.”
“Hey, do it again.” His infectious smile and elation had me tossing him in the air.
“What is your mother feeding you? You’re ten pounds heavier than you were before I left.”
“I am not.” He smiled wider, hugging my neck before wiggling out of my arms. He ran back into the studio and stretched out on his stomach, resting his chin on a balled fist while his focus was trained on an iPad. His sister was in some kind of rocking contraption next to him, fast asleep.
When Elias approached, I pointed to my nephew. “What’s he watching?”
“I have no idea.”
“Shouldn’t you be monitoring?”
