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When my gaze flicks to Ivy, she’s knit her brow. “You’ve killed people in battle, sure, but I don’t think enemy soldiers count the same way.”
“That’s not—” A rough laugh escapes me. I rub my forehead. “I’ve already told you what happened with Michas. Approximately.”
“A riven sorcerer murdered him,” Ivy says quietly.
“And I didn’t see the danger in time. When Ididrealize something was wrong, I froze up rather than getting Michas out of there, against every combat instinct I’d already been training in…”
The words snag in my throat. I force myself to go on. “I could have saved him. The riven man was just trying to avoid capture. He struck out at Michas because he was closer and then fled. If we’d retreated sooner…”
Sympathy I’m not sure I deserve resonates through Ivy’s voice. “You don’t know that. You don’t know how many more people that mad sorcerer might have murdered if you hadn’t realized what he was.”
“I know how many people died because of the choices I did make. Michas was only my first fuck-up. I can’t even count how many soldiers have fallen under my watch over the years.”
Ivy lets out a dismissive sound. “I don’t think any general manages to completely avoid bloodshed on our side. That’s not how war works.”
My jaw tightens. “I don’t know. I don’t know how many of those deaths were unavoidable and how many I instigated. Because—have you heard anything about my last battle?”
She shakes her head, still and silent. Waiting for me to go on.
My sight stutters and hazes with each blink. A flare of frustration sears through the tangle of guilt and shame, but the anger is directed only at myself.
“Like most gifts, I could only use mine so many times in quick succession before it’d start wearing on me. I’d be able to see less and less of what was to come, and I’d get a headache and have trouble thinking straight. Not a good state to be in when you’re leading hundreds of soldiers into the fray.”
“All gifts have limitations,” Ivy murmurs. “That’s why the godlen hate scourge sorcery—for trying to cheat the natural boundaries.”
“Yes. So I had to moderate how I used my magic when a situation got intense. I had to decide when to look ahead at the enemies’ next moves and when to hold off. We were clashing with a Darium legion, and I’d already seen them behave exactly as I’d have guessed a few times, so I got cocky. I assumed there was no need to strain my gift and look again when it seemed obvious how they’d strike at us next.”
I find myself gripping the stump of my wrist where the prosthetic is attached to its harness. The spot where I gave the sacrifice I then dishonored, for the gift I can no longer use.
“They had a new trick up their sleeve that I hadn’t predicted,” I go on, my voice stiffening against the weight of the admission. “Before I recognized it and could regroup, they’d slaughtered half of the soldiers I was leading. Men and women who’d counted onmeto guide them through the battle. One of the Darium soldiers hit me with the blast of magic that scrambled my vision.”
“But you ended up pushing them back.”
“With sheer brute force and desperation—and the help of some excellent comrades. Nothing I can really take credit for. And then I was done, as I should have been for my idiocy anyway.”
Ivy pulls her legs up onto the sofa to wrap her arms loosely around her knees. “I’m sure you’re not the only general who’s ever had a battle go badly.”
I grimace. “I can’t think of any others who lost their entire usefulness in the field in one swoop.”
“You’re not useless.”
I can taste the bitterness in my words, but is there really any point in pretending it away? “Useless enough that my king sent me here to simply teach what I was meant to be doing. Useless enough that my fiancé couldn’t stand the thought of marrying a disgraced general and called off the engagement.”
Ivy’s lips part in shock. “You were engaged?”
“Yes,” I say brusquely. “To the daughter of one of the barony families in Konram’s court. It wasn’t an epic romance, but we suited each other and liked each other enough that I hoped it would become more of a love match over time. But I was no longer the man she thought she’d have, and I wouldn’t have wanted to stay with someone who saw me as inadequate anyway.”
Ivy hesitates. “Last night, when you reached for me in your sleep—were you thinking of—”
I cut her off with a derisive noise. “No. Not really. There was obviously some unconscious habit associated with sleeping next to a woman, and I apologize for that—it’s been nearly a year since I slept next to anyone, and I didn’t think it would affect me. But I knew who you were from the moment I woke up.”
I’m not sure the old habitswouldhave kicked in if it wasn’t that I’ve wanted Ivy more than I ever longed to touch Neela, even at the height of our courtship. But I doubt this is the ideal time to mention that fact.
I barrel onward. “That’s not what matters the most, regardless. What matters is I witnessed your magic in the tower, and all I could see after that moment was the catastrophe I might have instigated. I agreed to let you act as my assistant. I missed any signs of what you were. If you lashed out at the students or staff or, gods forbid, wreaked havoc on the royal family right next door, I’d be to blame.”
Ivy’s voice sounds abruptly small, so painful to hear it might as well be a blade to my gut. “That sounds like a reasonable concern.”
“It wasn’t.” I smack the desk hard enough that the ink pot rattles. “I was so caught up in how horrible I’d feel, how horrible I’dlook, that I lost sight of what I’d already realized. I have nothing to fear in you. You’d sooner kill yourself than let your power run wild. You hated even stabbing that wretched false friend who’d already stabbedyou.”
