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Ivy swallows audibly. “It doesn’t seem as if the riven get a choice.”
“Because they go mad. But I have to assume as you have that they go mad through using their power. Which you’ve been willing to cough up blood to avoid doing. You’d sooner let some lout strangle you than protect yourself with it.”
“Ihavehurt people.”
“When you didn’t know you could. When you didn’t have a choice. Who am I to judge you for that? Hundreds of people died on the battlefield in one day because of a choiceImade, and no one’s ever suggested hanging me.”
I push myself off the desk and step toward her, but the tensing of her stance stops me halfway to the sofa. My hand clenches at my side.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’ve told you that before, but it never seems like enough. You’ve put so much of yourself at risk to protect this entire country, and I was treating you like a villain. The gods themselves had intervened, and somehow I still thought my honor was the thing on the line.”
Ivy ducks her head. “I never expected you to trust me.”
“But I do. That’s the point.” I dare to take another step closer. “I didn’t say it properly last night. I think you’re the only person in this mess I truly trust. It’s my judgment I’ve never been sure I could count on, and I took that out on you. That’s the real crime I’ve committed here.”
When I refocus my vision on her, Ivy’s expression is skeptical. I reach for the right words to convince her of how much I mean this confession.
“You’re the most honorable person I’ve ever met. With every act you take, every word you speak, you prove it again and again. Just now, you didn’t have to tell me about your magic acting up during the initiation, but you did. You gave Julita credit for helping you master it. You’ve offered me grace and compassion over the awful things I’ve done even though I had none for you when you’d just prevented a city-wide disaster.”
“I don’t think you did anything all that awful. And it shouldn’t be all that special just to tell the truth.”
My chuckle comes out raw. “But it is. I think you know it is. Ivy…”
I take another step, bringing me to the end of the sofa. I can’t tell if she’d tolerate me trying to sit next to her, but I hate the sense that I’m looming over her like the brute I’ve acted as.
After a moment’s hesitation, I sink down to a crouch that puts us on eye level. I hold her gaze even as her face goes hazy in my sight.
“You said that Casimir and Alek have compared you to Signy. I don’t think they’re wrong, and not just because of whatever romantic entanglements you’ve gotten yourself into.”
Ivy snorts, but I go on. “If anything, you’re even braver than she was. You’re facing down an enemy less predictable and more brutal, who could do more harm to this world than the empire ever did, and you’re doing it on your own except for a ghost who can’t offer you anything but her voice. We’ll stop this threat because ofyou, whether the rest of the country ever finds out who the real hero was or not.”
Her voice roughens. “I haven’t been alone. You’ve still been here, no matter how much of an asshole you’ve been in that time. Alek and Casimir have helped.”
“You’re the one riding at the front of the ‘army.’ You’re the one taking the blows. I would never have asked what you’re doing of any soldier, but you’ve volunteered, again and again, when you had no reason to come to us in the first place other than the selfless generosity you somehow keep dismissing. It would bemyhonor to have you as my Signy.”
Ivy draws in a ragged breath. I hold there, waiting for her response, wishing I could read her face for more than a second at a time.
“You really mean that,” she says in a wondering tone.
I can’t suppress the dry note that creeps into my voice. “I’m aiming for honesty too. I—I don’t expect anything from you. You deserve people standing by you who never doubted you to begin with. I’m only hoping that you can feel safe in my presence. That you know I’ll only ever leap to protect you, not to hurt you. I don’t know how much that’s worth when I’ve failed to save so many before, and that was when I could at least still fuckingsee, but—”
Ivy leans forward and touches my cheek. “Stop.”
The feel of her fingers against my skin arrests me. I blink, trying to make sense of the command. “What?”
“Did you really fail before?” she asks, an unexpected tender note slipping into her voice. “You froze up when you were a teenager—if we’re not counting my childhood mistakes, I don’t think we should count that either. During that last battle, the surprise tactics the Darium soldiers turned to—would you have been able to prevent the slaughter if you’d seen their next few actions a minute ahead of time?”
I think back to the moment when the tide shifted. The sudden blasts of conjured explosions, the wheeling of the cavalry.
“I don’t know,” I have to admit. “It might not have been enough to recognize their full strategy and counteract it. But it could have been. I never gave the soldiers who were relying on me a proper chance.”
Ivy’s hand lingers against my face, the warmth of her touch coursing across my cheek. “You might have been able to save them. But you also might have seen the signs and adjusted your own approach, and the Darium army would have held off until they were sure they’d take you by surprise. You might have burned out your gift too soon and missed something even worse.”
“I can only go by what happened, and what happened—”
“—wasn’t a guarantee. It was a bad situation thattheycaused. Haven’t you started telling me that I shouldn’t blame myself for struggling with my magic when it’s because of the scourge sorcerers’ meddling?”
I make a face at her. “That’s different. You barely hurt anyone. I had a job to look after those soldiers.”
