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She stares at me for a brief moment before tears well in her eyes and she shakes her head.
“I still don’t remember,” she whispers in a daze, and a sense of failure consumes me.
I’m letting her down. She thought being here would help her and it’s not. I’m at a loss as to what else I can do.
“I’m sure these things take time,” I say, but it’s a cop-out. I don’t know the right words.
“I’m sure they do,” she says with another fake grin. “But…what if I never remember anything else? What if that was just my brain giving me a glimpse of possibility before ripping it away again?”
I think about that for a second, wondering if she remembers certain things that stood out for a reason. Maybe she’s remembering the moments that caused her less pain. “Have you spoken to anyone about it? The dreams, or rather the memories?”
Willow nods as she sniffles. “I have. There’s no guarantees but…”
“Why don’t you tell me what you remember?” I say, an idea coming to mind. “It might trigger something else,” I add, though I have no clue.
Willow turns to face me, her eyes red, her skin blotchy, and yet, she’s still the most beautiful human I’ve ever seen. “Do you think that might work?”
“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “But it’s worth a try.”
She moves away and repositions herself opposite me on the bed, pulling her legs to her chest, before wrapping her arms around them. Securing herself in her hold.
With a small shiver, she shares her memories like she’s telling me a story, and my heart breaks for her. They’redreams. The memories she’s been so caught up in are dreams. I mean, the part with Jade might be real, but the vision of us, sitting around as a group chatting, definitely isn’t. And I have no idea how to break that to her.
When she’s finished, she shrugs, once again trying to appear less affected than she truly is, and I struggle with words.
Emotion threatens to overcome me, but I bite my tongue to stave them off—now’s not the time.
“Willow…” I trail off because I’m breaking inside. I’m about to take away her hope. Her one shot of moving on and I hate that I’m the one hurting her again.
I take a deep breath to calm my nerves, but it’s shaky. “While I can’t speak about the moment with you and Jade…” I pause. “I know that we never sat together as a group.” I pause again, swallowing back my emotions as I watch her process hers. “And there was no beer.”
“What?” Willow’s brow furrows and she shakes her head back and forth. “No, no. I distinctly remember that.”
God, this stings.“I’m sorry,” I rasp, my voice almost inaudible.
“It wasn’t real?” she chokes out, a single tear cascading down her face.
I shake my head because I’m not sure I can speak without getting choked up myself.
“None of it was real?”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I block out everything I’m feeling and focus on her because she needs to hear it. “I don’t think so,” I whisper. “I think they’re still dreams.”
“Nightmares,” she corrects, running her hands down her face as her body shakes. “They’re nightmares.”
“I’m so sorry, Willow. So fucking sorry.” My voice breaks, drawing her attention, and for a brief second I think my fear’s about to come true; she’s going to comfort me. She’s going to push her own feelings aside and care for me. Just like she’s always done in the past with everyone else she knows. But when I swallow back my emotion and stare her directly in the eyes, she falters, her tears welling once more.
“I didn’t even want to remember,” she whispers, her gaze locked on her hands. “I decided I didn’t want to, until you and Sara put the idea back in my head. I wanted to move on. Forget that part of my life ever happened. Forgetyou. But now it’s all that I think of. I’m missing something. A part of me is missing. And I try so hard to fill the void by pretending I’m okay. But I’m not, Jesse. I’m not okay.”
She stops for a breath before the tears really fall. “I just wanted to take charge of my life,” she whispers, her voice cracking, and I can’t stay back anymore. I can’t let her crumble without being close.I will always catch you when you fall.
“Why can’t I remember?” she questions as I move forward, pulling her into my arms, cocooning myself around her. “And why did it feel so real?”
She shakes uncontrollably as silent tears continue to fall.
A pressure builds inside me as I fight to maintain my composure, when the truth is she’s tearing me apart. Bit by bit, I want to break off pieces of myself, giving her everything I have until she feels whole again. Do anything I can to take her pain away. I’d gladly carry it all for her.
“I don’t know how to help, Willow. I wish I could. I wish I could fix everything for you. I’d change the world if I had the means. But I don’t know how to get your memories back. All I can do is share mine. Give you a play-by-play of everything I remember. Every. Little. Detail.”Because I remember it all.“From the yellow scrunchie you had around your wrist, to the ugly green boots Tate insisted on wearing because someone once said they looked cool.”
