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"Sex," Jakob managed to whisper, swallowing at the disbelieving stare Ethan turned on him then.
"I, uh…What?" Ethan said, his words slow and careful, his hand a burning brand on Jakob's knee. "You've had sex, Jakob. My eardrums are still shot from Rachael shrieking when I accidentally walked in on you two last week."
"No, I mean…" Jakob mumbled, ducking his head as his cheeks went hot. "With… withguys. What — "
Good grief, why hadn't he just told Ethan that yes, therewassomething on his face and avoided all this?Stupid mouth.
"What does it feel like?" Jakob finally managed to spit out. "'s gotta be… Gotta be good, right? To, uh — give up girls for?"
He could feel Ethan's gaze still heavy on him, sure his eyes were tracking the flush that was burning its way down Jakob’s neck.
"It's um… Yeah, it’s good?" Ethan said, clearing his throat before continuing, his hand clenching into a fist which he tapped twice on Jakob's knee. "If… If you're looking for a comparison, I ain't gonna be able to help you much. But I don't feel like I've ‘given up’ anything anymore than a straight guy feels he's 'given up' men, right?"
"Oh, I… Yeah, that makes sense."
Seriously, could the earth just do Jakob a favor and swallow him up whole right now, please?
"It's… different, I guess," Ethan continued after a moment, throwing Jakob a sideways look." The appeal of it, I mean. Not too different, but… Guys aren't — They aren't …"
Ethan vaguely waved his free hand in the air in an approximation of half an hourglass.
"'S'what's nice about em, all firm and strong up against you. The way they smell, especially if he's been working out…" Ethan trailed off; lifting his hand from Jakob's knee to rub at the back of his neck and shooting an apologetic look at Jakob. "Sorry. Ah… Too much?"
Opposite of too much, really, Jakob thought to himself, his mouth going dry.
"Uh… no," Jakob rasped, then swallowed. "No, it's uh… it's fine. Honestly, feels as if I should have asked you a long time ago. I just — I didn't think…"
Jakob grimaced. "I didn't think," he repeated the accidental truth. "Feel like I’ve been a crummy friend. How many times do I go on moaning to you about the cheerleaders, or that brunette in our Chem class? Don't want you to think you can't tell me stuff. Even… especially this stuff. The important stuff."
Jakob could have sworn he still felt the phantom imprint of Ethan's fingertips seared into his skin through the denim.
"I… you sure?"
Jakob just nodded, holding his breath. "It's okay. Don't have to tell me if it's uncomfortable for you. But don't avoid it for my sake either. I um… I don't mind. No, wait — " he corrected himself, "I mean… I want to know. I, uh… I promise."
Ethan's lips pursed, but he didn't say anything.
Jakob tried to keep his eyes on the movie, but inside, he couldn't help but worry. Had he gone too far? Pried too far into what was obviously a tender spot for his best friend? They had both been through so much over the years, more than most of the other guys on their dorm floor could possibly even guess at. And a good deal of that, they had weatheredtogether.Surely— surelythis could be no different, right?
His mind going round and round in circles, Jakob nearly missed when Ethan muttered —
"It's… It's tight."
"What?" Jakob asked, glancing over at his friend for clarification.
Ethan's eyes had gone wide, as if he hadn't meant for that to slip out.
"Oh, God," he hissed, burying his face in his hands. "I didn't say anything.Pleasepretend I didn't say anything."
"C'mon," Jakob urged, curious what had Ethan in such a state.
Ethan groaned, but then rolled his head from shoulder to shoulder like he did to psych himself up just before they went running out onto the field at the start of a game.
"Alright. An, uh… an ass?" he finally explained, sheepishly. Honestly, he sounded for all the world as if the words were being dragged out of him now; as if it were his turn to wish the ground would open up underneath and swallow him up whole. "Didn't you tell me one of your girlfriends was into anal?"
"Julie. Or no, wait… Claire," Jakob corrected himself, counting. "Said she was saving herself for marriage, but anal was fine. Doesn’t make a lick of sense to me, but what — I was gonna argue? I’d have to have been crazier than she turned out to be."
"Was that the gal carried a little highlighted Bible in her bag so she could quote 'em at people?" Ethan asked, head tipped as he tried to remember.
